Total Drama Action: The Last Six Episodes My Way
by BigMoose01
Summary: As we all know, Action wasn't really the best season, so I've decided to write my own version of the last six episodes of it. Now, the season was just fine up until Rock n' Rule, so there's no need to change the whole thing. I'll be making changes like not having Lindsay vote herself off and leaving out Owen's return. I hope everyone finds this to be better than the real season.
1. Chapter 1: Rock n' Rule

_**Last time on Total Drama Action, Harold took a big bite of "whodunit" in our most mysterious episode yet. After the contestants cracked the code of Chris' mysterious message, they stealthily had to fetch prints of DNA from each other. A party reward on a train quickly turned into a hunt for my murderer. When Lindsay was declared the "Sherlockiest" of them all, Courtney was furious. But, it didn't stop Lindsay from inviting Duncan to the movies to make Courtney more jealous, even if it turned out to he horribly awkward.**_

Chris was sitting in the bleachers with some popcorn and his dummy.

"Will Courtney plot some evil revenge, will Lindsay actually outsmart her", Chris asked, "am I even cooler now that I'm alive again?"

Chris raised his arm and accidentally knocked the dummy over.

"Find out", Chris said, "on this episode of Total. Drama. Action!"

_**Opening Sequence**_

One morning at the abandoned film lot, Lindsay came out of the communal bathroom wrapped in a towel and walked to the girls' trailer singing off-key, with the song going:

_Ooh, your face!_

_Ooh, in my glands._

_Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, it's you and me!_

_And you and me makes we!_

_You, and me-e-e-e-e-e-e,_

_Like butter knives, we're free!_

_We're freeeee!_

Then, a very irritated Courtney walked over to her.

"Would you please shut up", Courtney shouted, "and it's butterflies, not butter knives!"

Courtney sighed at Lindsay's stupidity.

"And everyone knows you picked Duncan for your movie reward last night in retaliation", Courtney said, "the murder mystery challenge is over, so you can stop massacring that song!"

"I was not mascara-ing anything except my eyelashes, Courtney", Lindsay said, "what's that other thing you said I did?"

Beth then walked over to the two.

"Guys, can't we try to get along", Beth asked.

"Oh, stop playing dumb, Lindsay", Courtney said.

But Lindsay started singing again.

"Ooh, ooh, ooh", Lindsay sang, "like butter knives, we're free!"

"She's not playing, is she", Courtney said.

"Nope", Beth said.

'You and me makes we", Lindsay sang.

In the boys' trailer, Duncan was fed up with Lindsay's singing.

"Three hours at the movies with that girl and now this", Duncan asked, "I'm gonna go stick a fork in my eye to relieve the pain."

Then, the cast heard some drumming and went outside to find Chris standing in front of Chef, who was playing the drums and hit a cymbal, which annoyed the former.

"Nice of you to join us", Chris said, "today's movie genre is, drumroll please!"

Chef provided some drumroll, but went on too long.

"Okay Ringo, that's enough", Chris said.

Chef then stopped drumming.

"As I was saying", Chris said, "today's movie genre is..."

Chef started drumming again, but stopped when Chris looked at him.

"The rock n' roll bio pic", Chris said.

"Alright", Harold said.

Harold slid over to Chris on his knees and did some air guitar moves.

_**Confessional: Hope you're not off your rocker.**_

**Duncan: **Rock n' roll bio pic? Normally I'd be stoked, but I had a rocking headache from Lindsay-palooza last night!

_**End Confessional**_

"Is a bio pick kind of like a toothpick", Lindsay asked, "because I could use one right now."

Lindsay pointed into her mouth.

"There's popcorn stuck right here", Lindsay said.

"Shut up, popcorn down", Chris said.

Lindsay set her popcorn down.

"Any good rock n' roll bio pic starts with a kid from humble beginnings drawn into the seemingly glam world of rock music", Chris said, "after overcoming enormous hardships, the kid gets a break, and makes it ginormous, bigger than me even!"

Chef and the cast were genuinely shocked at Chris' comment.

"There's something I never thought he'd say", Duncan said.

Chris just glared at Duncan.

"Anywho", Chris said, "the kid is then drawn into a scandalist world of stuff I'm not allowed to talk about with 16-year-olds, like dangerous addictions, multiple divorces, an occasional night in the big house, and an untimely death while sitting on a toilet."

Then, the scene changed to show Chris in the control room.

"Please, do not try any of a aforementioned at home, or I will be sued", Chris said, "and, would be unable to afford the maintenance of this fabulous smile!"

Chris smiled for the camera, and the scene changed back to the film lot.

"A few things that any good rock god would know that I am able to talk about", Chris said, "you need to know how to rock out on a guitar, work the paparazzi, and trash a hotel room."

The cast was feeling excited about the challenge.

"Any questions", Chris asked.

Lindsay raised her hand.

"Alright, then", Chris said, "if there are no questions, meet me at the big stadium in ten minutes."

Later, the cast was walking to the challenge, and Courtney noticed the time.

"We're late", Courtney said, "Chris is going to have our heads."

Chris was waiting for them, and was ticked off.

"I said ten minutes, not ten hours", Chris said.

"You also said to meet you at the big stadium", Duncan said, "this is the dumpy Guilded Chris Awards theater."

"Where you might get kicked off tonight", Chris said, "anyways, you all did pretty good, since the first step to become a rock legend is to show up late for your own show."

"Then why'd you give us a time to be here", Harold asked.

"I wanted to see if you'd actually get here on time", Chris said, "anyways, your first challenge is to rock out on a guitar."

"But I don't know how to play the guitar", Lindsay said, "is it anything like the recorder, because I can play the recorder."

"Yeah", Chris said, "it's a lot like the recorder, only completely different!"

Chris gestured to a screen, and the cast looked at it.

"Since I'm pretty sure none of you have played a guitar, and probably can't read music either, you'll be playing a fake guitar", Chris said, "the notes will be represented by colored notes on the screen corresponding to your guitar, which you must play simultaneously, but if you get a wrong note, you're going to get a major shock!"

"What's that supposed to mean", Beth asked.

Chris made a buzzing noise and shook, which startled the others.

"You mean you're going to electrocute us", Beth asked.

"Of course not", Chris said, "the guitar will electrocute you!"

The cast gasped.

"Don't worry, you'll live", Chris said, "but you'll never be able to play the piano again."

"That's okay", Lindsay said, "I can't play the piano anyways."

"Or use a cell phone, either", Chris said.

Hearing this caused Lindsay to scream hysterically.

**_Confessional: To those who are ready to rock, brace yourselves!_**

**Courtney: **I used to play in an all-girl band at school called the A-Type Psychotic Crazies. Unfortunately, we broke up before our first gig. Apparently, you can't start a band with five leads and no backup.

_**End Confessional**_

"Are you ready to rock out", Chris asked.

"For those about to rock, I salute you", Harold sang.

"Bite me", Duncan said.

"And, rock on", Chris shouted.

The contestants began playing, and smoke came from Harold's guitar as he played quickly.

"Well would you look at that", Chris said, "Harold's on fire, literally!"

Then, Harold's guitar caught fire.

"Water", Harold shouted, "water!"

Chef splashed a bucket of water on Harold, and his guitar short-circuited, electrocuting him.

"Shoot", Harold said.

Then, Beth walked backwards playing her guitar, but fell off the stage.

"Ooh, that hurt", Chris said, "well, that's two down, three to go."

Duncan slowly played his guitar, while Lindsay didn't play hers at all.

"Do you have one in red", Lindsay asked, "this one doesn't go with my outfit."

Then, she got electrocuted.

"And now it's down to Courtney and Duncan", Chris said.

Courtney then did some tricks on her guitar, which impressed the others.

"Wow", Harold said, "that girl can rock."

But Duncan played his guitar normally, and then smashed it onto the stage.

"Nice move, Duncan", Chris said, "and it looks like the winner is..."

Chef played the drumroll.

"Duncan", Chris said.

Courtney was outraged by this.

"What", Courtney asked, "but I hit every note, and played behind my head, on my knees, and with my teeth!"

"Yeah", Chris said, "but you tried too hard, and besides, smashing your guitar is a classic rock star move."

"Watch and learn, baby doll", Duncan said, "maybe one day, you'll be able to rock as hard as me."

In response, Courtney hit him in the groin with her guitar.

"That hard enough for you, baby doll", Courtney asked.

Chris then walked onto the stage.

"We'll be right back once Courtney relaxes with a hot bath, and Duncan gets the rock back in his roll", Chris said.

_**Commercial Break**_

At another part of the film lot, the Lame-o-sine pulled up to a red carpet, and Chris stepped out in the suit he wears for the Guilded Chris ceremonies.

"Welcome back to the rock n' roll bio pic edition of Total Drama Action", Chris said, "now, in order to become a true rock n' roll legend, you must know how to work the paparazzi.

The contestants looked at the challenge.

"The first part of the challenge is an obstacle course of fans, photographers, groupies, and autograph hounds", Chris said, "you'll start at the Lame-o-sine, walk up the red carpet, past the obstacles, and backstage, where one of you will win, and the rest will be celebrity roadkill."

Chris then turned to Duncan.

"Duncan", Chris said, "for winning the first challenge, you get a backstage pass, so you start halfway."

_**Confessional: Backstage of what?**_

**Duncan: **Too bad this isn't a real backstage pass. Looks the part. *reads* All access membership buff and tone spa?!

**Chris: ***enters with a towel over his neck* Yeah! I'm gonna be needing that!

_**End Confessional**_

"Okay", Chris said, "Courtney, you're up first."

Courtney stepped out of the Lame-o-sine and ran away.

"And she's off", Chris said.

Courtney avoided the photographer, signed the autograph hound's notepad, smiled for two more photographers, backhanded waved a groupie, grabbed a swag bag from a cutout, declined some food from a caterer, and walked over to a bouncer.

"Do you know who I am", Courtney asked.

The bouncer cutout moved out of the way, and Courtney went inside.

"Nice moves", Chris said, "and good call on grabbing the swag, which you get to keep."

Courtney reached in, and pulled out a book with Chris' face on it.

"My autobiography", Chris said, "volume one."

_**Confessional: Coming soon to your local bookstore. NOT!**_

**Courtney: **Ugh, did you see that swag? Only thing missing is a barf bag with Chris' face on it. *a barf-filled barf bag with Chris' face on it is thrown into the makeup table* Eww, gross!

**_End Confessional_**

"Duncan, you're up", Chris said, "remember, you get to skip the Lame-o-sine and half the red carpet."

Duncan spit on a photographer's shoes, knocked the camera away from another one, flipped off an autograph hound, wrote his number on a groupie's belly, tossed the caterer's tray away, and broke the bouncer cutout.

"Dude", Chris said, "major potential lawsuits with the pass, the fans, and the bouncer, but nice move with the groupie."

"Cool, whatever", Duncan said.

"Someone's in a bad mood", Chris said, "next up is Beth!"

Beth ran out of the Lame-o-sine, but a photographer's camera flash knocked her glasses off, so she walked blindly through the course, tripping and falling a lot.

"Moving on", Chris said, "Harold, you're up!"

Harold stepped out of the Lame-o-sine and made the rock n' roll symbol incorrectly.

"Rock n' roll", Harold said.

He then noticed that he did the symbol wrong.

"No, that's not it", Harold said, "rock n' roll!"

He then noticed that he did the symbol wrong again.

"No, wait", Harold said, "rock n' roll!"

Then, he made the right symbol.

"Got it", Harold said.

As Harold walked down the red carpet and came to the first cutout, Duncan rudely shouted out to him.

"Get on with it, Doris", Duncan said.

Harold, who was upset about this, ran down the carpet, breaking all the cutouts, and fell into Chris' arms crying.

"Your turn, Lindsay", Chris said.

After stepping out of the Lame-o-sine, Lindsay posed for the photographers, signed the autograph hound's notepad, hugged the groupie, collected a Chris t-shirt from the swag guy and tossed it on top of the groupie, collected a sandwich from the caterer, and kissed the bouncer, which made him move out of the way.

"Yay", Lindsay said.

Soon after, Chef gave Chris an envelope.

"And now, the moment you've all been waiting for", Chris said, "let's see your best shots, shall we?"

Chris looked at the photos, and turned to the cast.

"And the winner is", Chris said, "Lindsay!"

Courtney was shocked to hear this, while Lindsay was happy.

"Yay", Lindsay said.

"How is that possible", Courtney asked, "I did the best job of avoiding the paparazzi!"

"Who said you were supposed to avoid them", Chris asked, "the paparazzi means exposure, and Lindsay exposed, so she wins an advantage in the last challenge, where you will compete for invincibility."

_**Confessional: Lindsay's new arch-nemesis.**_

**Courtney:** I hate, hate, hate losing! So when Lindsiot won, it took all my years of transcendental meditation to keep it together. *is calm at first, but loses it and begins screaming*

_**End Confessional**_

"And here we are, at the ultimate rock star challenge", Chris said, "trashing the hotel room."

"Alright", Duncan said.

"You each have thirty seconds to cause as much destruction as you can, with Lindsay getting an additional ten seconds for winning the last challenge", Chris said, "and, go!"

Harold hit a phone on a table, Beth knocked over a picture of Chris, and then a lamp, Lindsay jumped on a cushion, and Duncan used a fake palm tree to smash a desk, threw a TV out the window, and tried to smash a serving cart on the ground, when he saw Courtney break something.

"No way am I losing to you, Lindsay, or those two geeks", Courtney said.

"Hey", Harold and Beth shouted.

Courtney continued trashing the room, and threw a few objects at Duncan.

_**Confessional: Talk about a love/hate relationship.**_

**Duncan: **Man, nothing sharpens my dog collar more than a girl with a temper.

**Courtney:** My meditation teacher would've been so proud.

_**End Confessional**_

Courtney continued to trash the set, when Chris ran up to her.

"Courtney, stop", Chris shouted, "you won!"

Courtney then stopped what she was doing when she heard him.

"I won", Courtney asked.

"Yes", Chris said, "you win invincibility tonight!"

"What", Lindsay asked, "but what about my extra ten seconds?"

"Yeah, about that", Chris said, "since there's nothing left to destroy, I'm afraid those ten seconds aren't really useful anymore."

"Aww", Lindsay said.

"Now then", Chris said, "it's time to decide who's out of the band."

Later that night, Lindsay and Beth met at the bridge set.

"Alright, Beth", Lindsay said, "since Courtney has invincibility, we need to vote someone else off tonight."

"But who", Beth asked.

"Duncan", Lindsay said, "I just know Courtney loves him, so if we get rid of him, she'll go crazy."

"Good thinking", Beth said, "but it's just the two of us."

"Don't worry", Lindsay said, "I know who to ask."

Harold then walked over to them.

"Evening, ladies", Harold said.

"Hey, Harold", Lindsay said, "listen, we..."

"I'm in", Harold said.

Lindsay and Beth were surprised.

"What", Lindsay asked.

"You girls were going to ask me to vote for Duncan tonight", Harold said, "well, I'm in."

"That's right", Lindsay said, "but how did you know?"

"I was thinking the same thing", Harold said, "have been since I was placed on the same team as him."

"Great", Lindsay said, "let's do this."

Soon, the contestants were at the Guilded Chris theater.

"Now, for Total Drama", Chris said, "five left, one must go, and it won't be Courtney."

The cast began placing their votes, and Lindsay looked at Beth smiling with her eyes closed while voting.

"And, the votes are in", Chris said, "the Guilded Chris goes to: Courtney, Harold, and Lindsay!"

Chef tossed them their Guilded Chris Awards in that order, and only Duncan and Beth were left.

"Only one left", Chris said, "the final Guilded Chris goes to..."

There was a long pause before Chris announced the recipient.

"Duncan", Chris said.

Duncan was relieved as he caught his award, while Lindsay was shocked.

"What", Lindsay asked, "how can this be?!"

Then, she turned to Harold.

"You", Lindsay said, "you tricked us!"

"Not so fast, Lindsay", Chris said, "Harold didn't vote for Beth, you did."

"What do you mean", Lindsay asked.

"Allow me to explain", Chris said.

Chef rolled a monitor over and showed footage of Lindsay accidentally voting for Beth.

"As you can see", Chris said, "when you turned to Beth, your finger slipped, thus voting your bestie off the show."

Everyone gasped, while Duncan laughed.

"Beth", Chris said, "it's time for you to say sayonara."

Beth got up, and Lindsay hugged her.

"I'm so sorry", Lindsay said, "can you ever forgive me?"

"I forgive you", Beth said, "I may have lost my chance at the million, but having you as my BFF is worth even more."

Everyone "awwed" at what was happening, except for Courtney and Chris.

"Enough already", Chris said, "Chef, get her out of here!"

Chef carried Beth away to the Lame-o-sine.

"Bye, Lindsay", Beth said, "kick Courtney's butt for me!"

"I will", Lindsay said.

_**Confessional: Better than the real one?**_

**Courtney: **Why vote for Beth instead of Lindsay? Because she's Lindsay's best friend, so I was hitting her where it hurts. And also because she's the smarter of the two.

**Lindsay: ***sighs* Let's face it. There's no getting rid of Duncan.

_**End Confessional**_

"Well, that was an unexpected twist", Chris said, "tune in next time for another hot-rocking episode of Total. Drama. Action!"


	2. Chapter 2: Everybody Was Kung Fu Faking

_**Last time on Total Drama Action, the cast was able to let loose by rocking it, socking it, and trashing it like rock stars! With an appetite for destruction, Courtney won invincibility, prompting none other than Lindsay to engineer a voting alliance to eliminate Duncan, which ended with her accidentally voting off her bestie, Beth.**_

Images of Lindsay and Duncan appeared on the screen.

"Will Lindsay survive without her BFF, is there really no getting rid of Duncan", Chris asked, "all this and more, on another thrilling episode of Total. Drama. Action!"

_**Opening Sequence**_

One night after the Guilded Chris ceremony in the previous episode, Lindsay and Courtney entered the girls' trailer.

"I can't believe how exhausting all that rock n' rolling was", Lindsay said.

"I can't believe you voted your own best friend off", Courtney said.

"Yeah", Lindsay said, "I still don't understand how I could be that stupid."

**_Confessional: This makes much more sense._**

**Courtney: **What was I thinking voting for Beth? I should've voted for Lindsay when I had the chance. With the finals just around the corner, I might have to make an alliance with her.

_**End Confessional**_

Lindsay yawned and got into bed, and Courtney decided to talk to her.

"Hey, Lindsay", Courtney said, "wanna watch a rom com on my PDA?"

"No thanks", Lindsay said.

Courtney then pulled out some snacks.

"I've got cheese doodles", Courtney said, "and sour grannies."

But Lindsay was wise to what Courtney was doing.

"Nice try", Lindsay said, "I know what you're doing."

"What", Courtney asked.

"You're trying to get me into an alliance", Lindsay said, "well you can just forget about it!"

_**Confessional: Lindsay's right where she belongs.**_

**Lindsay: **After what happened with Heather, I've learned my lesson. No more alliances with mean girls.

_**End Confessional**_

In the guys' trailer, Harold was giggling under his blanket.

"Come on, blankie", Harold said, "that tickles!"

Then, he realized something.

"Wait", Harold said, "blankets don't have souls!"

He then jumped out of his bed and discovered that he was covered in snails, which made Duncan laugh.

"Gosh", Harold said, "when will you stop making my life so brutal?!"

"I don't know", Duncan said, "when it stops being funny."

_**Confessional: Why are you still picking on him? Courtney's back.**_

**Duncan: **As in never.

_**End Confessional**_

Harold opened the trailer door and released the snails.

"Out you go, my mollusk amigos", Harold said.

Then, he noticed a snail on his shoulder, which amazed him.

"Check it out", Harold said, "this one snail sounds just like Leshawna."

But Duncan was unamused by this.

"Oh boy", Duncan said.

_**Confessional: This boy has more problems than you think.**_

**Harold: **She even looks like Leshawna. Same soft eyes, same hard shell, same lusciously rounded behind. *sighs happily* They could be twins!

_**End Confessional**_

"Sweet dreams, Leshawna Jr.", Harold said.

Harold put her in a matches box, kissed it, and laid down.

"This is so exciting", Harold said, "I don't know how I'll be able to..."

Then, he fell straight asleep, and in the morning, was waken to the sound of a gong, along with Duncan, Courtney, and Lindsay, who were in the woods with him.

"What", Lindsay asked.

"This isn't the film lot", Harold said, "where are we?"

Duncan sniffed the air, and immediately recognized where they were.

"Aww man, we're back at Camp Wawanakwa", Duncan said.

Then, the wind began blowing, and Chris, who was wearing a kung fu outfit, seemingly floated over to the cast in the lotus position.

"Whoa", Duncan said.

Chris then did some kung fu moves, and released some wires that were suspending him.

"Wires", Duncan asked, "I take back my whoa."

"Honorable competitors", Chris said, "welcome to the Total Drama kung fu reward challenge, shot on location here in the beautiful Japanese woods, where the girls will be battling the boys."

"What", Courtney asked, "you mean I have to work with Lindsay?"

"Yep", Chris said, "otherwise, it wouldn't be girls vs. boys, would it?"

Courtney just crossed her arms and grumbled, and Chris began speaking again.

"In kung fu movies, actors train with stunt choreographers before they film their fight scenes", Chris said, "each team will have a trainer and a fighter, so pick your roles and train in the kung fu style of your choice."

Chris closed his eyes and put his hands together.

"The battle begins when noble heron flies east", Chris said.

"And, in human, that would be", Duncan asked.

"Four hours", Chris said, "may the best fu win!"

Chris attached his harness, and was pulled upwards.

"Excelsior", Chris shouted.

Duncan then looked at Harold, who was making kung fu poses.

"There are so many fighting styles to choose from", Harold said, "monkey, tiger, chicken, dolphin!"

Harold then acted like a dolphin.

"Great, you can be the fighter", Duncan said.

_**Confessional: Which one would win in a fight?**_

**Duncan: **It's about time the nerdling learned how to fight, and I'm more than happy to teach him. Of course, the best way to learn how to throw a punch is to get punched. *punches into his hand* Repeatedly.

_**End Confessional**_

In the film lot's parking lot, Harold was waxing the Lame-o-sine, while Duncan laid down on the hood.

"Come on, come on, work those packs", Duncan said, "get in the end zone with it!"

Then, Chris walked over to them.

"Can you make him wax my car, too", Chris asked.

"Which one's yours", Duncan asked.

"All of them", Chris said.

The camera zoomed out to reveal a parking lot full of cars, and Duncan and Chris laughed together.

"Oh brother", Harold said.

Elsewhere, Lindsay was applying wax to Chef, who was sleeping on a lawn chair in his bathing suit.

"That's it", Courtney said, "wax on."

Then, Lindsay put a piece of paper on Chef.

"Wax off", Courtney said.

Lindsay pulled the paper off of Chef, and he ran away screaming.

"Ouch", Lindsay said.

Later, Lindsay was doing push-ups, while Courtney counted.

"28, 29, 30", Courtney said, "oh, that's it!"

Then, she noticed Duncan standing on top of Harold while the latter did push-ups.

"Beat this, Princess", Duncan said.

Courtney set a rock on top of Lindsay's back, and stood on it while the latter did push-ups.

"Already done", Courtney said.

Duncan stepped away for a second, and came back riding on a moose, which stood on top of Harold.

"Augh", Harold said.

"Be one with the pain", Duncan said.

Later, Lindsay was balancing on a post in the water on one foot, and Courtney floated by on a canoe and gave her an energy bar.

"Here", Courtney said, "gotta keep your strength up."

"Leg cramp", Lindsay said.

"I'm on it", Courtney said.

Courtney then began massaging Lindsay's leg.

"Whatever you need, pal", Courtney said.

Elsewhere, Duncan brought Harold a serving plate with chopsticks.

"Lunch already", Harold asked.

"It's an exercise for your reflexes", Duncan said, "you can eat whatever you catch."

Duncan lifted the tray, revealing bees, which quickly swarmed around Harold.

_**Confessional: Bees? Really?**_

**Duncan: **How was I supposed to know the bees would swarm? it was supposed to be like a lesson from Muhammad Ali. You know, float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

_**End Confessional**_

In another part of the woods, Lindsay was punching a dummy made out of hay, and kicked it, along with the tree it was tied to, over, impressing Courtney.

"We are so going to win this", Courtney said.

Elsewhere, Duncan and Harold were in front of a punching bag with the former's face on it.

"The key to hitting a powerful blow is motivation", Duncan said, "if you wanna hit something bad enough, nothing will stand in your way."

Duncan then got behind the punching bag.

"Okay, so try and hit me", Duncan said.

Harold hit the bag.

"Weak", Duncan said.

Harold hit the bag again.

"Lame", Duncan said.

Harold hit the bag more.

"Are you even gonna try", Duncan asked.

Harold began hitting harder.

"Come on, Grandma", Duncan said, "my cat punches harder!"

Harold began hitting even harder.

"Did I mention I kissed Leshawna", Duncan asked.

Upon hearing this, Harold became enraged and punched a hole through the punching bag and began choking Duncan.

"Okay", Duncan said, "better, better!"

Later, the two teams arrived at the kung fu temple, and Chris appeared in a puff of smoke playing the pan flute.

"Most worthy competitors", Chris said, "welcome to the Total Drama kung fu showdown."

Chef then hopped on some trees dressed as a samurai, and used his katana to cut up a room divider, revealing two robot suits.

"See, the fighters get in the robot suits, and the trainers operate them with these here joysticks", Chris said.

"So what the heck was all that training for if I can't even control my own arm", Harold asked.

"It's a lesson in Zen, o student", Chris said.

Chris then tossed the joysticks to Duncan and Courtney.

"Two minutes 'til the match begins", Chris said, "suit up, fighters."

Chris disappeared in a puff of smoke, and Courtney tried testing the robot suit Lindsay was in.

"Okay, let's see", Courtney said, "up, down, left, right."

Then, Lindsay ended up doing the splits.

"Yipe", Lindsay shouted.

On the other side, Duncan was messing with the robot suit Harold was in.

"Hey, Harold", Duncan said, "stop kicking yourself!"

Duncan made the robot suit kick Harold in the face, and Chris reappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Enough practice", Chris said, "let the match begin!"

Chris rang a gong, and Duncan and Courtney controlled the fighters, with the former making Harold kick Lindsay.

"Ow", Lindsay said.

"Sorry", Harold said.

Duncan laughed, which annoyed Courtney.

"Oh yeah", Courtney asked.

Courtney made Lindsay hit Harold in the head.

"Gosh", Harold said, "that hurts!"

Duncan then made Harold punch Lindsay in the stomach.

"I think my figure just got flatter on the bottom", Lindsay said.

The two continued fighting, but Lindsay and Harold weren't as into it as Courtney and Duncan.

"I'm so sorry", Harold said.

Then, Courtney made Lindsay kick Harold in the groin.

"My nuggets are now my niblets", Harold said.

This made Duncan very angry.

"This means war", Duncan said.

Duncan pushed his joystick with so much pressure, causing Harold to propel forward, and when Courtney tried to move Lindsay, her joystick broke.

"Please let my death be quick", Lindsay said.

And before anyone could react, Harold punched Lindsay right out of her robot suit.

"Ooh, that's gotta hurt", Chris said, "think she's still alive, come on back and find out!"

Chris then turned offscreen.

"Medic", Chris shouted.

_**Commercial Break**_

"Is she alright", Duncan asked.

"I hope so", Chris said, "I've had enough lawsuits this season."

Lindsay woke up, and saw Chris, Duncan, Harold (who was still in his robot suit) and Courtney standing around her.

"What happened", Lindsay asked.

"I'll tell you what happened", Chris said, "the boys won!"

Duncan and Harold then cheered.

"What", Courtney asked.

Harold was struggling inside his robot suit.

"I'd just like to be unstrapped now, if that's not too much trouble", Harold said.

Chef then used his katana to slice Harold free from the robot suit.

"Gosh", Harold said, "suddenly, I can breathe better than usual."

_**Confessional: There are no strings on him.**_

**Harold: **Chef's sword gave my nose hairs a wicked trim. *holds up his nose for the camera to see into his nostrils* Sweet, huh?

_**End Confessional**_

"The guys have won the first challenge, and they'll be continuing on to compete for the reward", Chris said, "girls, you're gone."

Duncan and Harold smiled, but it didn't last long, as Chris spoke up again.

"Here's where things get interesting", Chris said.

Duncan then groaned in annoyance.

"I hate when he says interesting", Duncan said, "it always means painful."

"Correction", Chris said, "exciting means painful, interesting always means life-threatening."

Courtney and Lindsay high-fived, while Duncan and Harold groaned in frustration.

"Each of you must carry a glass of water to the top of the tallest mountain in Japan, Mt. Banshee", Chris said, "there, you will find a Bonsai tree guarded by a mysterious kung fu master."

At the top of a cliff, Sasquatchanakwa was dressed like a kung fu warrior and sitting in a cave.

"Try not to spill any water on your way up", Chris said, "you'll need it to brew kung fu tea as payment for the Bonsai, and if there isn't enough water to fill the master's sacred cup, you'll wish you were wearing a sacred cup.

Duncan and Harold covered their private parts after Chris poured out a glass of water.

"First one to bring the Bonsai back down from the mountain alive wins", Chris said, "and as for the girls, you're sentenced to Zen lessons, AKA, kitchen duty."

The girls groaned in frustration, and Chef walked over to them with his sword and poked them to move.

"March two, three, four, march two, three four", Chef said, "let's go, knees up!"

At the bottom of the mountain, Duncan and Harold were getting ready to climb it, when the latter walked over to Chris holding a matches box that had Leshawna Jr. inside it.

"Will you guard little Leshawna Jr.", Harold asked.

"Sure", Chris said, "whatever."

Harold handed the box over to Chris.

"Come on", Duncan said, "let's get this over with."

Duncan and Harold then began climbing the mountain.

"Slow and steady", Harold said, "rising like an incense smoke."

"Stupid water glass", Duncan said, "sacred Bonsai tree my butt."

In the kitchen, Courtney was complaining while washing dishes.

"We totally could've won the reward if you could take a punch", Courtney said.

"You're the one who insisted on being the trainer", Lindsay said, "which by the way, you were awful at!"

Then, Chef set a bucket of knives down on the counter.

"Shut your traps and grab a blade", Chef said.

"Are we having a knife fight", Courtney asked.

Lindsay pulled out a blade and looked at Courtney.

"Well", Lindsay said, "at least it's not Beth, so it won't be so hard to do."

"Excuse me", Courtney asked.

Courtney pulled her own blade out of the bucket.

"Don't pick a fight you can't win", Courtney said.

Then, Chef walked in pushing a tank full of water.

"Y'all are gonna use those blades to cook a meal fit for a warrior", Chef said, "kung fu noodle soup, made with noodles, and the seven deadliest sea creatures known to man."

Chef listed the sea creatures as they jumped out of the tank.

"You've got your rabid piranha, poisonous blowfish, electric eel, toxic jellyfish, lethal swordfish, man-eating shark", Chef said.

As the shark jumped out of the tank, some tentacles reached out and pulled it back in.

"And killer octopus", Chef said.

Courtney and Lindsay trembled in fear at this.

"I'll leave you two to work", Chef said.

On the mountain, Duncan and Harold were climbing, when the former thought about something.

"Spilling Harold's water glass on his crotch sounds funny", Duncan said, "but I just don't feel like it right now."

Then, Harold slipped, and Duncan put his hand under his (Harold's) water glass.

"Oh, gotcha", Duncan said.

"Thanks, Duncan", Harold said.

"Your killer left hook's what got us here, so it's the least I can do", Duncan said, "and besides, you would've done the same for me."

"You know", Harold said, "we could keep working together and split the reward."

"That's not a bad idea, teammate", Duncan said.

As the two clinked their glasses, Chris, who was watching in the control room with Chef, was annoyed at this.

"This is horrible", Chris said, "they're getting along!"

"What's the big deal", Chef asked, "they're just two teens putting their differences aside to win a challenge."

"It ain't called Total 'Teamwork' Action", Chris said, "our bloodthirsty fans back home want drama among these teens."

"Those two have been at odds since last season", Chef said, "the fans are probably tired of it."

But Chris didn't want them to be friends.

"I've gotta break them up somehow", Chris said.

Then, he reached into his pocket and pulled out the matches box that had Leshawna Jr. inside.

"And I think I know how", Chris said.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Lindsay stuck some tongs in the tank that had the sea creatures in it, and something moved around, leaving the tongs damaged.

"Okay, I can't do this", Lindsay said, "I'm allergic to fish."

"But I've seen you eat fish before", Courtney said.

"Yeah", Lindsay said, "but I'm allergic to fish when they're still alive."

_**Confessional: Are you smarter than a C.I.T.?**_

**Lindsay: **Hey, this is what she gets for trying to manipulate me into an alliance. Two can play at that game.

_**End Confessional**_

"Well, I guess I could take care of all the fish", Courtney said, "you know, as a friend."

Then, a tentacle from the killer octopus grabbed onto Courtney.

"Thanks", Lindsay said, "I'll go boil the noodles."

At the mountain, Duncan and Harold were climbing, when Chris appeared next to the latter suspended by a rope and holding the box Leshawna Jr. was in.

"Hey, Harold", Chris said, "urgent message from Leshawna Jr."

"Really", Harold asked, "what did she say?"

"Something about beating Duncan to a gooey pulp", Chris said.

"Can't be", Harold said, "L.J. would never."

Then, Harold gasped for some reason.

"Did she just say kick his butt", Harold asked.

"Yes", Chris said, "I think that's what it sounded like."

But Harold just sighed.

"Leshawna, Leshawna, as Confucius once said, 'forgive thy enemy, be reconcile to him'", Harold said, "you inspire me to be better L.J., let me do the same for you."

Harold continued climbing, while Chris just growled in frustration.

"What does it take to get these two to hate each other", Chris asked.

In the kitchen, Lindsay was stirring the noodles while holding Courtney's PDA.

"You're so lucky to have a PDA", Lindsay said, "I sure wish I could give Beth a call."

Courtney then walked over to her while battling a toxic jellyfish.

"Go ahead and call her", Courtney said, "after all, that's what friends do, they help each other with phones, and alliances!"

_**Confessional: Heather had better luck than you did.**_

**Courtney: **Look, I'll do anything to make this alliance happen. Of course I know Lindsay's trying to counter-manipulate me, but that's alright, because I'm counter-counter-manipulating her. It's called a counter top. Hello?

_**End Confessional**_

While Lindsay talked to Beth, Courtney was running around while a bunch of rabid piranha were attacking her.

"OMG, Geoff did what", Lindsay asked, "how does a nice guy like Geoff turn into a mean guy like Chris?"

At the top of the mountain, Duncan and Harold were walking with their glasses of water, when Chris walked over to Harold.

"Hey, Harold", Chris said, "I was wondering."

"What", Harold asked.

"What do you miss most about Leshawna", Chris asked, "the one you voted off, not the snail."

"Well, there's her lilting laugh", Harold said.

Duncan snickered at this.

"Go on", Chris said.

"And her delicate beauty", Harold said.

At that moment, Duncan burst into laughter.

"I'm sorry", Duncan said, "it's just, that girl's as delicate as a freight train, and..."

This comment made Harold furious, so he grabbed Duncan's water glass, splashed him with it, punches him in the face, and runs towards the cave Sasquatchanakwa is in.

"Yes", Chris said, "friendship destroyed."

When Harold got to Sasquatchanakwa, he poured his water glass out, much to the latter's confusion.

_**Confessional: Did that just happen?**_

**Sasquatchanakwa: **Not cool.

_**End Confessional**_

Harold then dropped his glass to the ground and prepared to fight.

"With honor", Harold said.

Harold then kicked Sasquatchanakwa twice in the face, grabbed the Bonsai, and ran down the hill.

"And it looks like Harold wins the reward", Chris said.

Then, he heard Sasquatchanakwa roar loudly, scaring him.

"Run", Chris shouted.

Later that night, Harold was enjoying a banquet made by Courtney and Lindsay, while Duncan watched from outside the craft service tent.

"I may be a warrior", Harold said, "but tonight, I eat like a king."

On the other side of the tent, Courtney and Lindsay were together.

"More tea, best friend", Courtney asked.

"After you, best friend", Lindsay said.

The two laughed, and Courtney poured some tea into her cup.

"Have you ever thought about the two of us forming our own alliance", Lindsay asked.

"Great idea", Courtney said.

At the table, Harold held Leshawna Jr. in his hand.

"Sweet Leshawna Jr., you guided me to victory", Harold said, "what can I do for you in return?"

Harold listened in, and thought he heard something.

"Release you back into nature", Harold asked, "but, but..."

Harold just sighed and walked over to the entrance to the craft services tent.

"I'm a man of my word", Harold said, "hush, my darling, don't make this harder than it already is."

Harold set Leshawna Jr. down, and she began slowly crawling out of the tent.

"There", Harold said, "now, be free!"

Harold began crying, but stopped to say something else.

"Go on, get outta here", Harold said.

Harold continued crying, and Chris walked over to him.

"Wow, that's sad", Chris said, "and by sad, I mean pathetic."

Chris laughed at what he said.

"Will Leshawna Jr. make it out of here before 2020, will Harold throw it all away to chase his snaily love, or will we come up with something a little more exciting", Chris asked, "you bet we will, and find out what it is next time, on Total. Drama. Action!"


	3. Chapter 3: 2009: A Space Alliance

_**Last time on Total Drama Action, in a world they didn't create, two honorable warriors and two irrepressible foes battled for kung fu supremacy. No mountain was too high, no knife too sharp. In the end, Harold won the reward, but Courtney had an even bigger victory winning Lindsay over.**_

Chris was standing in the film lot.

"But it's going to take more than a puny alliance to survive this week", Chris said, "on Total. Drama. Action!"

**_Opening Sequence_**

Late one night, some loud music was playing on a speaker, causing the cast to wake up, with Duncan feeling pain in his back.

"Oh, my back", Duncan said, "what's with the mattresses, are they filled with rocks, or something?"

_**Confessional: Insulting Leshawna may have influenced Harold to do more than cost you a chance at winning the last challenge.**_

**Harold: **Maybe I filled Duncan's mattress with rocks, maybe I didn't. *snickers* But yeah, I totally did.

_**End Confessional**_

A horn then played, and Duncan and Harold began making weird movements and noises.

"Can you believe these guys, Lindsay", Courtney asked, "what a bunch of Neanderthals."

Courtney then noticed Lindsay saying "ooh" like a monkey and jumping up and down while pointing, and everyone saw Chef banging on a pot with some bone props, and Chris walked in wearing his caveman outfit.

"Good morning cast, or should I say good middle of the night", Chris said, "hope you're all well-rested and ready to boldly go where few men and even fewer ladies have gone before."

"Wait a second", Harold said, "I could've sworn we already did the caveman movie genre."

"We did, Harold", Chris said, "but we had to re-use the costumes since my astronomical salary accounts for about 97% of the show's budget."

"Dude, it's the middle of the night", Duncan said, "why can't we just do this in the morning?"

"Because I'm the host, and I decide when you do challenges", Chris said, "anyways, while today's movie genre may start at the dawn of time, it quickly moves up, up, and away!"

Lindsay soon figured out what they were doing.

"Oh, now I see", Lindsay said, "we're doing one of those science fiction movies."

"What was your first clue, genius", Courtney asked.

**_Confessional: Like Trent said, she's no Stephen Hawking._**

**Lindsay: **Maybe forming an alliance with Courtney was a good idea. I mean, she called me a genius, so that's worth something.

_**End Confessional**_

"Listen up, space cases", Chris said, "before you face any out-of-this-world challenges, I have a very special surprise for you."

Chris pushed a piece of background away, revealing a table with boxes on it.

"Each of you has received one very special item sent to you from the outside world", Chris said, "which by now, must feel like a different planet."

Chris tossed them their packages, and Lindsay was happy with hers.

"It's from Tyler", Lindsay said.

Harold dug through his box, and pulled out a pair of nunchucks.

"My nunchucks", Harold said, "awesome."

Courtney opened her box, and gasped at what it was, which was a picture.

"What is that", Duncan said.

"Nothing", Courtney said, "just..."

Then, she began to tear up.

"Excuse me", Courtney said.

_**Confessional: I don't remember Heather crying.**_

**Courtney: **When I was head of the school debating team, my partner walked out on me during the biggest debate of the year, because she felt I wasn't being a "team player". I went on to win it without her! *points to the camera* Take that, Brittney Reed! This photo is a reminder: if you want something done right, you do it yourself!

_**End Confessional**_

Duncan opened his box, and found a smaller box in it.

"Scruffy", Duncan said.

Harold walked over and saw the box.

"Dude, that's one small dog", Harold said.

"It's not a dog, it's a tarantula", Duncan said.

Scruffy, who was colored green and black, walked onto his owner's hand.

"Aww", Duncan said, "I wuv you, Scruffy!"

Duncan made kissy noises for Scruffy, which disturbed Courtney and Harold.

"Aren't tarantulas, like, the fourth most deadly spiders in the world", Harold asked.

"They're only dangerous when they're startled by loud noises", Duncan said.

Then, Lindsay spoke up.

"No way", Lindsay shouted.

This startled Scruffy, and he jumped onto Harold's face.

"Aah", Harold said, "get it off, get it off, get it off!"

"Scruffy, no", Duncan said, "bad killer spider!"

Duncan pulled Scruffy off Harold's face and made more kissy noises, while Harold continued freaking out.

"Ow, ow", Harold shouted.

Then, he accicentally knocked himself out with his nunchucks.

"Look, everyone", Lindsay said, "Tyler gave me a ring!"

Duncan and Courtney were surprised at this.

"You're getting engaged already", Courtney asked.

"You do realize you guys are only 16, right", Duncan asked.

"Don't be silly, it's a candy ring", Lindsay said, "Tyler said it's a sweet ring for his sweet lady."

Lindsay took a lick of the ring.

"Alright gang, time to blast off to the great unknown", Chris said, "everyone knows a good outer space movie has three things in common: one, the zero gravity is always a trip, two, the G-forces are killer, and three, everything is recycled in space, including number one and number two."

The cast (except for Harold) was disgusted by this.

"Eww", Lindsay said.

"Gross", Courtney said.

"Cool", Harold said.

"Which brings us to our first challenge", Chris said, "I'll meet you at the thrill ride set in ten minutes."

The cast was confused about what Chris had said.

"Did he say thrill ride", Harold asked.

Later, the cast met up with Chris.

"The way to achieve zero gravity is to fly a jet on a parabolic course", Chris said, "with large vertical climbs, and larger vertical drops."

The cast listened to Chris with horrified looks on their faces.

"But, with the price of jet fuel today, we're going to simulate the effects on a makeshift space shuttle", Chris said, "which will hit the optimum speed needed to keep you all in a perpetual stage of zero gravity."

On a rollercoaster was a fake space shuttle that had the Canadian flag on one of the engines.

"Is that thing even up to code", Courtney asked.

"Your first outer space challenge will be to spend the rest of the night on the shuttle sleeping in zero gravity conditions", Chris said.

"That doesn't sound so tough", Duncan said.

Later, when the cast was in the shuttle, Chris spoke up on the loudspeaker.

"Y'all might wanna hold onto something bolted down", Chris said, "because we're almost ready to launch!"

Outside, Chef worked some machinery, and the engines started up.

"In five, four, three, two, one", Chris said, "blast off!"

The shuttle went rocketing on the roller coaster tracks, and the cast screamed.

"I'm too hot to die", Lindsay shouted.

Then, she realized that she and the others were floating.

"This is so cool", Lindsay said.

"Alright astronauts, it's goanna be a long night, so you better get some sleep", Chris said, "if you can!"

In the control room, Chef walked in and handed Chris a cup of coffee.

_**Commercial Break**_

In the shuttle, Courtney spoke to Duncan.

"Duncan, can I have your pillow", Courtney asked, "mine floated off somewhere."

"No can-do, babe", Duncan said, "already gave it to Scruffy."

Courtney looked and saw Scruffy tied to Duncan's pillow floating around.

"Zero g can be tough on the little guy", Duncan said.

_**Confessional: Courtney and Scruffy have one thing in common: they're both deadly and feared by many.**_

**Courtney: **As if I'm going to play second fiddle to a tarantula. I hate that gross, hairy creature! And his pet spider, too.

_**End Confessional**_

Harold was eating a sandwich, when the zero gravity caused what was inside it to float away.

"Dang it", Harold said.

Then, he noticed Lindsay with her ring.

"You're lucky", Harold said, "your food is attached to you."

"Thanks", Lindsay said, "it's so nice when someone loves you the way Tyler loves me."

"I feel the same way about Leshawna", Harold said.

Later, the cast was sleeping, when an alarm went off.

"This is Huston, and you have a problem", Chris said, "you've been hit by an asteroid, and your guidance system is toast!"

"What do we do", Lindsay asked.

"I just saw this in Race to Save Space 3", Harold said, "we have to manually override the navigation system."

"Quick, someone grab the joystick thingy", Duncan said.

Duncan threw Harold over to a joystick, and the latter pulled on it, turning the alarm off.

"Way to go, Harold", Lindsay said.

"Nice job", Courtney said.

Outside, Chef threw a baseball at one of the windows of the shuttle, breaking it and causing a vacuum effect due to the speed the shuttle was going.

"Uh-oh, looks like you have a hole in your fusel lodge", Chris said, "you have exactly t-minus ten minutes to plug the hole, or you'll run out of precious oxygen."

Scruffy almost floated out, but Duncan grabbed him.

"There there, Scruffy", Duncan said, "I've got you."

"We have to plug the hole", Harold said, "quick, find something big and form-fitting!"

Then, Courtney got an idea.

"Lindsay, grab the pillows", Courtney said, "I've got an idea!"

Morning soon arrived, and the cast quickly jumped out of the space shuttle.

"That was smart sealing the breach with those two pillows", Chef said.

"You have the girl alliance to thank for that", Courtney said, "right, Lindsay?"

"You said it", Lindsay said.

"And it was that quick thinking that saved the group", Chris said.

Lindsay was excited to hear this.

"Yay", Lindsay said, "we did it, Courtney!"

But Courtney was not as enthusiastic as her.

"Yay for us", Courtney said.

"As a reward, you'll both get to decide the reward of who goes first to last at the next challenge", Chris said.

"I know", Lindsay said, "let's go first so we can..."

But Courtney just put her hand over Lindsay's mouth and spoke up.

"We've decided, Chris", Courtney said, "the order will be Harold, Duncan, Lindsay, and last but not least, me."

_**Confessional: Making decisions without consulting the other member of your alliance makes me question the whole point of the alliance.**_

**Courtney: **I'm going last so I can watch the others try the challenge and fail! That way, I can learn from their mistakes. *chuckles* Momma didn't raise no sucker!

**_End Confessional_**

Somewhere in the film lot, the cast walked out of a set in slow motion, but Chris walked by in normal speed.

"Enough messing around", Chris said.

The cast then walked over to Chris in normal speed.

"Alright gang, if you thought spending the night in zero g was a stomach-churning experience, then you're going to love this next challenge", Chris said, "who can last the longest on the g-force trainer, or as I like to call it..."

The cast looked at a spacesuit-like capsule attached to a device that would spin it around.

"The Vomit Comet", Chris said, "if you thought you were under pressure before, wait until you feel the effects of four times Earth's gravitational force."

"I'm starting to think we shouldn't have gorged on chili for lunch", Duncan said.

Chef, who was standing by a pot of chili that had fish bones, tentacles, and socks sticking out of it just giggled.

"Remember crew, Courtney and Lindsay have already picked the order", Chris said, "Harold, you're up first."

"Awesome, I'd hate to be going last in something called a 'Vomit Comet'", Harold said, "thanks for taking one for the team, Courtney."

Courtney was shocked at this.

"No, wait", Courtney said, "I've changed my mind, I wanna go first!"

"Sorry", Chris said, "once the order's set, there's no going back."

Lindsay was frustrated about this.

"Is this the part where I thank you", Lindsay asked.

_**Confessional: You didn't actually think making an alliance with Courtney was gonna work out well, did you?**_

**Lindsay: **This is exactly what I tried to warn Courtney about. But would she listen? No! And now we're both in trouble. Our girl alliance is off to a very shaky start.

_**End Confessional**_

Harold climbed into the Vomit Comet, and Chef shut the lid.

"Have a nice spin, Harold", Chris said.

Then, Duncan ran by, feeling nervous.

"Hey", Duncan said, "where'd Scruffy go?"

Scruffy crawled on Harold's face, and Chris started the Vomit Comet.

"Let me out", Harold shouted, "let me out!"

Chris stopped the Vomit Comet, and Harold climbed out.

"5.6 seconds", Chris said, "that is just sad."

Harold walked away feeling dazed, and Duncan ran over to him and grabbed him.

"Where's Scruffy", Duncan asked.

"I don't know", Harold said.

Harold turned around, and Duncan was horrified to see Scruffy squashed on Harold's back.

"No", Duncan shouted, "Scruffy!"

Duncan broke down crying, and Courtney comforted him.

"There there", Courtney said, "Scruffy is in a better place now."

_**Confessional: How much will you miss him?**_

**Courtney: **Yeah, anywhere but here. Now maybe Duncan will focus on someone with slightly less hairy legs. Me!

**Duncan: **Yeah, I'm pretty broken up, but, in a way, I'm relived, too. It's not always easy knowing the cute little creature lying next to you at night could suddenly kill you in your sleep. *happy* Well, I guess I won't have to sleep with a baseball bat under my pillow anymore.

_**End Confessional**_

Duncan was holding Harold by his shirt again.

"Give me one good reason not to beat you to a pulp", Duncan said.

Then, his back started hurting again from the rocks in his mattress.

"Yes", Harold said, "I knew my mind powers would kick in when I needed them most!"

"It's that stupid mattress", Duncan said, "I've still got a stabbing pain in my back."

"Hope it won't prevent you from competing in the challenge, because it's your turn", Chris said.

Duncan got in the Vomit Comet, and while spinning, threw up, much to the disgust of the others.

"23 seconds, most impressive Duncan, my man", Chris said, "but I'm deducting ten seconds for puking."

Courtney angrily walked over to Duncan.

"That was totally disgusting", Courtney said, "how could you do that to me?"

"At least the ride snapped my spine back into place", Duncan said, "no more pain."

Courtney angrily held up her fist.

"Wanna bet", Courtney asked.

"It's down to you two", Chris said, "Lindsay, your slightly soiled chariot awaits."

Lindsay looked in horror at the Vomit Comet, which was full of vomit, and Courtney spoke to her.

"If we both refuse to do the challenge, then we'll have strength in numbers at the elimination ceremony", Courtney said, "you're with me on this, right, Lindsay?"

_**Confessional: Now the alliance is starting to look like the one Lindsay had with Heather in season one.**_

**Lindsay: **If I can call Heather out for the meanie she is, then surely I can climb into a vomit-coated spacesuit and spin in circles for five minutes. How hard can it be?

_**End Confessional**_

"What's it gonna be, Lindsay", Chris asked.

"The girl alliance is sticking together, Chris", Courtney said, "we're both refusing to participate."

But Lindsay spoke up.

"I'm gonna do it", Lindsay said.

Courtney gasped in horror as Lindsay climbed into the Vomit Comet.

"I'm so gonna need a new pair of boots after this", Lindsay said.

Later, after spinning around, Lindsay emerged from the Vomit Comet covered in vomit.

"35 and a half seconds", Chris said, "a new Vomit Comet record!"

"It actually wasn't so bad", Lindsay said.

"That was the sickest thing I've ever seen", Duncan said, "I'm impressed."

Chris walked over to Courtney, who was frustrated with Lindsay.

"Last chance, Courtney", Chris said, "ride the Vomit Comet now, or risk a ride in the Lame-o-sine later."

"Uh-uh, no way", Courtney said, "I forfeit."

"Well, then", Chris said, "in light of Lindsay's willingness to get her feet wet, so to speak, I declare her the winner of today's challenge!"

Lindsay was excited to hear this.

"Yes", Lindsay shouted.

Chris and the cast then saw Chef whistling while chopping a carrot into the Vomit Comet.

"Hope y'all like gumbo", Chef said.

The cast was disgusted to see this, as was Chris.

"That's sick, man", Chris said.

Later that night, Courtney and Lindsay were fighting in the girls' trailer, while Duncan and Harold listened.

"Wow, the girls are really going at it in there", Harold said.

"Yeah, it's the astro-hot vs. the astro-not", Duncan said, "I love a good catfight."

"I too love a good catfight", Harold said, "but one with real cats who wear tiny boxing gloves."

In the trailer, the fight was still going on.

"I can't believe you went against me like that", Courtney said.

"You deserved it for being so mean to me", Lindsay said, "you're even worse than Heather!"

Courtney was offended by this.

"Well, if that's how you feel, the girl alliance is over", Courtney said.

"Fine", Lindsay said.

"Fine", Courtney said.

_**Confessional: Heather has Gwen, Duncan has Harold, and now Courtney has Lindsay.**_

**Courtney: ***holds up her picture from earlier* As usual, I'm better off on my own. There's no team in I! So from now on, it's the Courtney alliance! And I'm in it to win it!

_**End Confessional**_

Later, the cast was at the Guilded Chris theater.

"And four shall soon become three as we bid farewell to another cast member", Chris said, "everyone cast your votes."

The cast each said their own lines as they cast their votes.

"This is for Scruffy", Duncan said.

"Time to rid myself of that delinquent once and for all", Harold said.

"The girl alliance is over", Lindsay said.

Before Courtney cast her vote, she looked at the camera.

"Back off", Courtney said, "there's a reason this is called 'secret voting', people."

Courtney cast her vote, and Chris read the results.

"And the Guilded Chris goes to", Chris said, "Lindsay, Duncan, and..."

Chef tossed Lindsay and Duncan their awards before Chris announced who got the final award.

"Courtney", Chris said.

Chef tossed Courtney her award.

"Sorry, Harold", Chris said, "your lame-o-sine awaits."

Harold sadly walked away, when Duncan spoke up.

"Get on with it, Doris", Duncan said.

Harold angrily ran back, pantsed Duncan, and ran back towards the Lame-o-sine.

"I kinda had that coming", Duncan said.

Harold opened the door to the Lame-o-sine and got inside.

"I'm coming, Leshawna", Harold said.

The Lame-o-sine then drove off and disappeared, leaving behind two trails of fire and the license plate, which spun around for a while before falling down.

"You better promise me you'll be back in time to see our final three suffer", Chris said, "right here on Total. Drama. Action!"


	4. Chapter 4: Top Dog

**_Last Time on Total Drama Action, some surprise packages from the outside world brought memories to the cast about the boring teenage lives they lived before coming here. And later, they got a taste of life in zero gravity conditions. In the end, Lindsay won the challenge, and Courtney ended the girls' alliance, but won back her independence. And Harold ended his bid for the million, but won a Lame-o-sine ride back to the real world._**

A clip of Courtney and Lindsay, as well as one of Courtney comforting Duncan, were shown.

"Will Courtney and Lindsay's feud hurt their chance to go the distance, will Duncan hook up with Courtney", Chris asked, "all this and more on today's amazing episode of Total. Drama. Action!"

_**Opening Sequence**_

One morning, Duncan walked out of the girls' trailer with bags under his eyes and a stack of paper in his hand.

"And remember", Courtney said, "if we're ever going to have a serious relationship, you need to correct all the faults I listed on the thirty-two page letter I wrote you."

"Whatever", Duncan said.

"Including your disrespect", Courtney said, "if you want to have me as a girlfriend, I should get a little more respect."

Duncan just rolled his eyes and walked away feeling tired.

"I sure hope today's movie genre is guy in a coma movie", Duncan said.

Lindsay watched him leave from inside the girls' trailer, and began hatching a plan.

_**Confessional: Looks like even Lindsay's a Duncney fan.**_

**Lindsay: **Yes! I knew Courtney was into Duncan! Maybe I can use that as an advantage against Courtney today.

_**End Confessional**_

In the craft service tent, Chef served Lindsay what looked like scrambled eggs.

"Wow, Chef", Lindsay said, "these scrambled eggs actually look pretty good."

Chef laughed hysterically at what Lindsay said.

"Scrambled eggs", Chef said.

Lindsay then sat next to Courtney.

"So", Lindsay said, "you and Duncan, huh?"

"Yeah", Courtney said, "it was nice to finally work things out between us."

"Great", Lindsay said.

Then, Duncan entered the tent.

"Hey, Babe", Duncan said.

"Duncan, I thought we agreed only I would engage in the use of pet names", Courtney said, "it says that in page three, section five."

"Sorry", Duncan said.

"You promised you'd memorize the letter I gave you", Courtney said.

"I will, I will", Duncan said, "I'm just really tired right now."

"Alright, I forgive you", Courtney said, "but I expect you to memorize that letter so it doesn't happen again."

"Anything for you, Babe", Duncan said, "I mean Courtney!"

"You may hold me now", Courtney said.

Duncan wrapped his arms around Courtney, and Lindsay began choking.

"I've got you", Duncan said.

Duncan performed the Heimlich maneuver on Lindsay, and what she was choking on flew into a stew pot Chef was stirring.

"You okay", Duncan asked.

Lindsay sighed dreamily.

"I feel so safe in your arms", Lindsay said.

Seeing this made Courtney mad.

_**Confessional: Duncan leaving Courtney for another girl? I sure hope that doesn't happen in the show.**_

**Courtney: **Oh she did not just do that! If Lindsay thinks she can steal my man, she's got another thing coming! She's going down.

**Lindsay: **This plan is foolproof! If I flirt with Duncan, it'll make Courtney jealous, and throw her off her game. And then, I'll win the challenge and have invincibility at tonight's vote.

_**End Confessional**_

Before Courtney could do anything to Lindsay, Chris showed up with a parrot on his shoulder.

"Attention cast", Chris said.

The parrot squawked, and the cast walked over to Chris.

"Dude, what's with the flying rat on your shoulder", Duncan asked.

"That's my new BFFF", Chris said, "best flying friend forever, which brings us to today's movie genre: the animal buddy flick."

The cast stared at Chris with confused looks.

_**Confessional: There are better genres than animal buddy, like documentaries or archeology movies.**_

**Chris: **You try coming up with one different movie genre for each episode. It was either animal buddy, or guy in a coma movies.

_**End Confessional**_

"The hallmark of any good animal buddy flick is the human/animal bonding", Chris said, "first, the human and the animal start out as enemies, then through many misadventures, animal and human grow to care about each other, and become fast friends."

Chris' parrot rubbed against it's owner's face, but when Chris tried to pet it, it bit his finger.

"Excuse me for a second", Chris said.

Chris walked off screen and did something to his parrot, and came back covered in feathers.

"So, where were we", Chris asked, "right, the first animal buddy movie challenge will be to pick an animal and teach it to be just like you, which shouldn't be hard, since you're all animals."

Chris smiled as a rimshot sound was heard, but the cast just stared at him, unamused.

"The cast member whose animal most resembles them at the end wins the challenge, and gets a guaranteed spot in the finale", Chris said.

_**Confessional: I wonder what their spirit animals are.**_

**Lindsay: **I have a little Chihuahua at home that I love so much! But, I have trouble knowing what I can and can't feed him. One time, I shared some valentine's chocolate with him, and he got sick and had to get his stomach pumped. Now I'm not allowed to feed him.

_**End Confessional**_

Outside, Chris was about to announce the challenge to the cast.

"Alright cast, say hello to your future BFFFFF's", Chris said, "best furry, feathered, or finned friends forever."

Chef removed a tarp that was covering the animals for the challenge, which were a shark, a moose, and a chameleon.

"Pick an animal and get training", Chris said, "you have three hours."

"I got the shark", Courtney said, "the shark's mine!"

Courtney ran over to the shark and hugged it's cage.

"Yes", Courtney said.

_**Confessional: What made her want to choose a shark?**_

**Lindsay: **Actually, it makes perfect sense. Those two are made for each other. The only difference is one would eat you alive in a heartbeat, and the other one swims.

_**End Confessional**_

While Courtney hugged her shark's tank, Duncan walked over to the chameleon.

"I'll take the chameleon", Duncan said, "in tribute to my beloved reptilian friend Scruffy."

"Uh, Scruffy was a spider", Lindsay said.

This made Duncan upset.

"Nobody talks about Scruffy like that", Duncan said, "nobody!"

Lindsay backed away, and went over to the moose.

"Guess that leaves me with the moose", Lindsay said.

When Chef released the moose, it charged at Lindsay, and she flew in the air, landing in Duncan's arms, which gave her the perfect opportunity to flirt with him.

"Ah, my hero", Lindsay said.

Courtney noticed this and became very angry.

"Duncan", Courtney said, "put that down!"

Duncan dropped Lindsay on the ground.

"Ow", Lindsay said.

Later, Duncan was having trouble training his chameleon, since it couldn't change to the color he wanted.

"No, no, no", Duncan said, "bright green like my Mohawk, not that wussy moss green!"

Linsay was having trouble with her moose.

"Nice moose", Lindsay said, "I just want to pet you."

But the moose just shooed her away with it's antlers, and while that was going on, Courtney was arguing with her shark.

"Look, let's not waste each others' time", Courtney said, "I don't like you, you don't like me, but if you help me get to the finals, I'll make you a very rich shark."

Later, Duncan was still having trouble with his chameleon, when Courtney walked over to him.

"Duncan, hour's almost up", Courtney said.

"Hour for what", Duncan asked.

"Page two section five ring any bells", Courtney asked, "you promised to pay me a compliment once every hour."

"Oh yeah, right", Duncan said, "you have nice teeth."

But Courtney wasn't amused.

"Quit fooling around with that glorified lizard and get memorizing", Courtney said, "after all, what's more important, winning some stupid challenge, or making me happy?"

This question made Duncan very annoyed.

_**Confessional: I'll bet she expects him to lose on purpose for her if they make it to the final two together.**_

**Duncan: **Hey, I like Courtney, I really do, but I also like a million big ones. Best case scenario: I win the money and the girl. But if it comes down to it, I need the money more than I need some high-maintenance chick with a superiority complex. *nervous* Don't tell her I said that, okay?

_**End Confessional**_

Duncan was still having trouble with his chameleon.

"Last chance", Duncan said, "if you know what's good for you, you'll get it right."

The chameleon changed to the color of the skull logo on Duncan's shirt.

"Wrong", Duncan said.

The chameleon then changed to the color of Duncan's shirt.

"Wrong again", Duncan said.

The chameleon changed it's color one more time, this time to the color of Duncan's shoes.

"Not even close", Duncan said, "what are you, color blind?"

Elsewhere, Courtney was training her shark by demonstrating a cheer.

"Ready, here we go", Courtney said.

Courtney then began singing and dancing with her pom-poms.

"F-I-S-H-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you fishy, uh-huh", Courtney said, "you fishy, uh-huh."

Courtney shook her butt during the "you fishy, uh-huh" part, which caught Duncan's eye.

"Come on, get your fins up, fins up", Courtney sang, "come on, get your fins up."

But the shark just stared at her, while it's pom-poms floated in the water.

"Get your fins up", Courtney said.

Courtney angrily climbed to the top of the tank and looked inside.

"Can't you do just one simple cheer", Courtney asked.

Then, she accidentally cut herself on the sharp edge of the tank.

"Ow", Courtney said.

The blood got into the tank, and the shark smelled it, giving it a thirst for blood.

"Okay, from the top", Courtney said, "F-I-S-H-Y..."

But the shark didn't listen, and got ready to attack.

"Hey, fish brain", Courtney said, "are you getting this, or what?"

The shark then swam forward in an attempt to eat her.

_**Confessional: She should name the shark Bruce.**_

**Courtney: **I've been dealing with a team of top-notch lawyers. I'm not about to be intimidated by a glorified dolphin!

**_End Confessional_**

While Courtney fought the shark, Lindsay was riding on the moose, who was doing a dressage routine.

"Very good", Lindsay said, "we're going to win this challenge for sure."

Later, it was time for the challenge, which was being judged by Chris and Chef.

"Alright, cast", Chris said, "time to judge the animal buddies."

Lindsay looked at Courtney, who was injured from fighting the shark.

"Courtney, you look terrible", Lindsay said.

"You should see the other guy", Courtney said.

"Lindsay", Chris said, "you're up first."

"Okay", Lindsay said.

Lindsay got on the moose and it did it's dressage routine, which Chris and Chef rated 10/10.

"Yay", Lindsay said, "we did it!"

"Duncan, you're up", Chris said.

The chameleon changed to bright green like Duncan's Mohawk, and Chris and Chef gave him a rating of 8/10.

"Courtney, it's your turn", Chris said, "where's your animal buddy?"

"Uh, it couldn't make it", Courtney said, "sashimi anyone?"

Chris and Chef took bites of the sashimi.

"Where'd you get fresh fish around here", Chef asked.

Then, he glared at her, thinking she killed her shark.

"As if I'd be that cruel", Courtney said, "I gave she shark a nice roundhouse to the belly and it coughed up it's lunch, from his stomach to yours."

This disgusted Chris and Chef, with the latter running away.

"Points have been tallied, and the winner of the first challenge is", Chris said, "Lindsay!"

Lindsay cheered at her victory.

"Yeah, I'm the winner", Lindsay said.

"And also a loser", Chris said, "be right back!"

_**Commercial Break**_

A little while later, a bus pulled up in the woods of Camp Wawanakwa, and Chris stepped out.

"Here we are, gang", Chris said, "don't you just love field trips?"

Duncan and Lindsay stepped out with their animal buddies.

"The woods, again", Lindsay asked.

"Your next challenge is to find your way back to the film lot", Chris said, "a ten mile hike through these woods, using only your animal buddies to guide you."

Lindsay and Duncan looked at their animal buddies, who didn't have a clue about where to go.

"But be careful", Chris said, "several vicious and life-threatening traps have been set up along the way."

"Who would do such a thing", Lindsay asked.

"Um, me", Chris said, "first one back with their animal buddy wins invincibility from tonight's vote and a spot in the final two, and also, Lindsay gets to shave thirty minutes off her final time for winning the last challenge."

Lindsay grabbed Duncan's arm.

"I'm so scared", Lindsay said, "will you protect me, Duncan?"

"Where's Courtney", Duncan asked.

Chris laughed in response.

"She's with her animal", Chris said.

In a river, Courtney's shark was circling her.

"Back for round two, are you", Courtney asked.

Then, she noticed two other sharks.

"And I see you brought friends", Courtney said.

Back in the woods, Lindsay moved away from Duncan.

"Never mind", Lindsay said, "I'm not scared anymore."

"Uh, okay", Duncan said.

Chris then climbed onto the bus.

"See you all back at the film lot", Chris said, "and good luck."

The two set off, and Lindsay led her moose down a path.

"Don't worry, Moosie", Lindsay said, "we'll be back to the lot in no time."

Then, Lindsay bumped into a tree.

"Ow", Lindsay said, "what's that doing here?"

Then, she turned around and saw her moose gone.

"Moosie", Lindsay asked, "where are you?"

Elsewhere, Duncan was walking around with his chameleon on his shoulder.

"What a useless animal", Duncan said, "maybe I should've picked the moose so I could hitch a ride on it's back."

Then, the chameleon disappeared.

"Hey, where'd you go", Duncan asked, "get back here right now!"

Then, Duncan stepped on a rope, activating a booby trap that launched a rock in his stomach.

"Right", Duncan said, "death traps."

In the river, Courtney had taken out the other two sharks, and was ready to take on her former animal buddy.

"I took care of your buddies, and now it's your turn", Courtney said, "come on, bring it!"

The shark emerged, and revealed that her PDA was in his mouth, much to her horror.

_**Confessional: I'll bet that was Chris' doing.**_

**Courtney: **That PDA is my only contact with the outside world. Without it, I'd be on level ground with the others! And that cannot happen, this girl plays to win!

_**End Confessional**_

"Okay, look", Courtney said, "give that back, and I'll let you eat Lindsay!"

But the shark didn't listen, and began dialing something.

"No long-distance calls", Courtney said, "my roaming's already though the roof!"

But the shark just swam away.

"Get back here, chum bag", Courtney shouted.

The two swam down the river towards a waterfall, and meanwhile, Lindsay was looking for her moose.

"Moosie", Lindsay said, "come out, come out, wherever you are!"

Unbeknownst to Lindsay, some wolves were standing around the bones of her moose, indicating that they killed and ate it.

"Oh, where could he be", Lindsay asked.

Elsewhere, Duncan was trying to talk to his chameleon.

"Look, I'm sorry", Duncan said, "just show yourself so I can get back to the lot and get some sleep!"

Then, he saw a sign pointing to the exit of the forest.

"Yes, the way home", Duncan said, "so long sucker, looks like I don't need you after all!"

Then, he fell down a pit trap.

"More booby traps", Duncan said.

Elsewhere, Courtney was swimming after the shark, who still had her PDA in it's mouth, and when they got to the waterfall, it spit out her PDA, causing her to swim off the end to get it.

"No", Courtney shouted.

In the pit, Duncan was beginning to go insane, and was in a fetal position.

"So hungry", Duncan said, "here chameleon, here boy, come to Duncan, I just want a little taste."

Then, he pulled out Courtney's letter and took a bite of one of the pages.

"Not bad", Duncan said.

In the film lot, Chris and Chef were waiting for the cast.

"What's taking those kids so long", Chef asked, "they should've been back by now."

"Relax", Chris said, "they'll be here any minute."

They waiting day and night for the cast, and during the time, Chris had grown a beard.

"Any minute now", Chris said.

"It's been two days", Chef said, "maybe we should send out a search party."

Then, Chris noticed something.

"And here they come now", Chris said.

Chris went to shave, and Lindsay and Courtney entered the film lot.

"I can't believe it", Courtney said, "my PDA got wet, and now it's ruined!"

"You deserve it after everything you've done", Lindsay said.

"Oh, shut up", Courtney said.

Then, Lindsay got hit with a blow dart, and Courtney noticed that it was shot by Duncan, who had lost his mind from being in the pit.

"Lord of the Flies, much", Courtney asked.

Then, Courtney kissed Duncan, and he regained his sanity.

"Whoa, that's better", Duncan said, "thanks."

"Where's my letter", Courtney asked, "I wanna add a few amendments to it."

"I, uh, lost it in the woods", Duncan said, "sorry."

"I had my lawyers make several copies", Courtney said, "I'll get it for you in a minute."

Then, Chris entered with a shaved face.

"Welcome back, cast", Chris said, "it looks like Duncan is the winner of tonight's challenge."

Lindsay and Courtney were shocked.

"What", Courtney asked, "but he didn't even get here first."

"I know", Chris said, "but unlike you two, his animal buddy stayed with him."

"What are you talking about", Duncan asked.

The chameleon then revealed himself on top of Duncan's head by his Mohawk.

"You mean he's been here all along", Duncan asked.

Duncan then fainted.

"Well, it looks like Duncan gets a free pass into the finale", Chris said, "and who joins him will be determined in the most exciting Guilded Chris ceremony ever!"

Later, the cast was gathered for the final Guilded Chris ceremony before the finale.

"This is a big one, cast", Chris said, "Duncan's safe from elimination, which means the rest of you are fair game, so sharpen those claws and cast your votes, because someone is going home for the last time."

Like the previous episode, the cast each said their own lines as they cast their vote.

"Time to end Courtney's reign of terror once and for all", Lindsay said.

"See you never, Lindsiot", Courtney said.

Duncan had fallen asleep, but woke up and cast his vote.

"The Guilded Chris goes to", Chris said, "Lindsay and Duncan!"

Courtney was outraged, as she realized that Duncan had voted for her.

"What", Courtney asked, "Duncan voted for me?!"

Chef grabbed Courtney and dragged her towards the Lame-o-sine.

"How could you do this to me, after everything", Courtney asked, "we are so done!"

As Courtney continued ranting, Lindsay turned to Duncan.

"Why'd you do it, Duncan", Lindsay asked, "why'd you vote your own girlfriend off the show."

"The thirty-two page letter", Duncan said, "and people call me psycho."

The Lame-o-sine then drove away with Courtney still ranting, and Chris put his arms on Duncan and Lindsay.

"Duncan, Lindsay, the final two", Chris said, "one of you will go big, and one of you will go home."

Then, he pushed them both away.

"Tune in to our most controversial episode ever", Chris said, "of Total. Drama. Action!"


	5. Chapter 5: Mutiny On The Soundstage

_**Last time on Total Drama Action, and all night heart-to-heart led to Courtney and Duncan patching things up. But, there was a catch, and love birds weren't the only animals on set, as the cast was each paired up with an animal buddy to train in their image. While some bonded with their animals, some butted fins, and in the end, Duncan won invincibility, and his vote sent Courtney packing.**_

Duncan and Lindsay standing next to each other was on a monitor in the control room.

"Which brings us to the final two", Chris said, "who would've guessed, and who'll be taking home our grand prize of one million dollars, find out right now on Total. Drama. Action!"

_**Opening Sequence**_

One night, Lindsay was sitting alone in her trailer.

"Who'd thought I'd be the last girl left on Total Drama Action", Lindsay asked, "now it's just me, by myself."

Then, she began to feel scared about being alone.

"I miss the other girls", Lindsay said, "even Courtney and Heather."

In the guys' cabin, Duncan was sleeping with a knife in one of his hands, when he woke up from Lindsay's teeth chattering.

"It's Lindsay's chattering again", Duncan said, "I'd imagine any boy afraid to talk to her would be chattering, right, guys?"

Then, he remembered he was the only guy in the trailer.

"Right", Duncan said, "nobody left to laugh at my excellent zingers."

He then stuck his knife in the side of his bed and laid down.

"Good news is there's no one left to reek up the trailer with jungle breath, nobody to wake me up with screaming night terrors, and nobody with a chance of taking my guaranteed million away", Duncan said.

Then, he heard Lindsay's chattering again.

"Put a bandana over your mouth, Blondie", Duncan said, "man, I'm never going to get some sleep."

Then, the hatch at the top of the trailer opened, and a canister of knockout gas fell in.

"What the", Duncan asked.

Then, he fell asleep.

"Did you say something, Duncan", Lindsay asked.

At that moment, Lindsay was knocked out with another canister of knockout gas, and a few hours later, she woke up and found that she and Duncan were tied to the mast of what seemed to be a pirate ship.

"Duncan", Lindsay said, "Duncan!"

"It's a PD day, Ma", Duncan said.

Lindsay tried escaping, and Duncan woke up.

"Duncan", Lindsay said, "I think we've been cast-napped."

Duncan moved around in his rope.

"Tight but not painful", Duncan said, "Chef's loosing his edge."

"Wait, I have an idea", Lindsay said, "it's going to help us make sure that one of us wins the million dollars."

"All I'm planning is that I'm the 'one of us'", Duncan said.

"We could work together, like teamsies", Lindsay said.

"Teamsies", Duncan asked.

"Reach over to untie me, and then I'll untie you", Lindsay said.

"Yeah, right", Duncan said, "you'll just leave me behind and get a head start."

"I would never", Lindsay said, "I like everybody, and everybody likes me."

Duncan could hardly believe this.

"Even Heather", Duncan asked, "and how about Courtney?"

"Okay, maybe not them", Lindsay said, "but that's besides the point, do you want to untie me or not?"

Duncan sighed.

"Fine", Duncan said, "scootch over."

**_Confessional: Is this what you all wanted?_**

**Duncan: **When I was a kid, Ma insisted on sending me to Muskrat Boys. We had to wear doinky vests and sell apples, but all the knot tying lessons meant I'm pretty much a Houdini at tying and untying stuff. Came in handy in a bunch of ways I don't think Ma had in mind.

_**End Confessional**_

Duncan had untied Lindsay, and just as she was untying him, Chef walked over to them with a serving tray on a cart.

"Breakfast, anyone", Chef asked.

"And what's today's delicious special", Duncan asked, "roast lab rats, snot-ghetti with booger balls?"

Chef lifted the cover on the tray, and Lindsay noticed something about the food.

"Duncan", Lindsay said, "you might want to see this."

Duncan looked, and saw that it was actually food.

"No way, Chef", Duncan said, "is that food?"

"Fresh fruit to ward of scurvy, hot flapjacks to prevent lice, or whatever", Chef said, "all prepared according to my highest personal standards."

**_Confessional: He must've actually cooked the food for once._**

**Lindsay: **Chef in a good mood? That's like Heather being nice: you have to take advantage of it while it's happening.

**_End Confessional_**

Lindsay and Duncan were eating the food, when Chris slid down on a rope wearing his pirate costume.

"Yarr, maties", Chris said, "me parrot, Chris Jr. Jr. Jr. and I want to congratulate ye landlubbers for making it to the final two, and as ye can probably tell, today be space zombie movie day!"

Lindsay and Duncan looked at him with confused looks.

"It's actually pirate movie day", Chris said, "and you're on deck for a swashbuckling obstacle course followed by an obstacle course through the entire season's elimination challenges."

Then, he turned to Lindsay.

"And if you wanna claim your million dollar booty, you might wanna rethink that one-for-all and all-for-one approach", Chris said.

**_Confessional: Wow. This dynamic duo's only been dynamic for five minutes, and now he wants to break them up?_**

**Lindsay: **Someone has to win, right? I guess it might as well be me. *thinks for a moment* To be nice, I could share the money with Beth and Tyler, and maybe I could give a little bit to Duncan, too.

_**End Confessional**_

Chris then handed them some cotton swabs.

"Obstacle number one", Chris said, "swab the poopdeck."

Sasquatchanakwa and a bear entered the bathrooms and did their business, and then walked out a few seconds later, having stunk up the restrooms, much to Lindsay and Duncan's disgust.

"Obstacle number two, pun intended", Chris said, "grab a flag and shimmy up the greased mast and fly your jolly roger."

Next, they turned their attention to a canon.

"And finally, a cannon ball", Chris said, "the target is the monster-chomped movie set."

Chris pointed a flintlock pistol in the air, and Lindsay and Duncan got ready to run.

"Ready, set", Chris said, "and, go!"

Chris shot the pistol, and Lindsay and Duncan ran into the restrooms, but quickly exited for some fresh air.

"I think my nose hairs got burned away", Lindsay said.

As they cleaned the restrooms, Chris spoke to Chef.

"I get it", Chris said, "food traced with laxatives, nice."

"Nope", Chef said, "just going out in style."

Chris was confused about what Chef had said.

"Going out", Chris asked, "what do you mean?"

"That's the last meal I'm ever gonna serve on this stupid show", Chef said, "got me a gig chef-ing on a fancy cruise ship, so you can kiss my behind goodbye!"

"Yeah, yeah, and I got a job hosting the Oscars", Chris said, "very funny."

To show he wasn't joking, Chef smacked Chris in the head with the brush the former used to grease the mast.

"Who's laughing", Chef asked.

In the restrooms, Lindsay was disgusted about cleaning, and Duncan stepped out for a second.

"I'm totally gonna puke", Lindsay said.

"Well, I'm not cleaning it up", Duncan said, "hey Chris, more swabs over here!"

Chris tossed Duncan some more cotton swabs.

"If our contestants think they have it rough, the people on Chef's fancy cruise ship will have to suffer through his slop with no chance of winning a million", Chris said.

At last, Chef lost his patience with Chris.

"I don't think you wanna keep going there", Chris said.

Duncan then stepped out of his restroom, having cleaned it.

"Looks like Duncan will be the first to finish the deck", Chris said.

"Yes", Duncan said, "first one done!"

Then, Sasquatchanakwa ran into the restroom.

"Looks like someone's not done yet", Chris said.

Sasquatchanakwa used the restroom once again.

"Which means Duncan isn't either", Chris said.

Chris handed Duncan some more cotton swabs, and the latter went back into the restroom, while Lindsay exited hers and walked over to Duncan.

"Need some help, Duncan", Lindsay asked.

"No thanks", Duncan said, "this is just a minor setback, I'll be done before they know it."

_**Confessional: It sure is good that Lindsay's here instead of Beth.**_

**Lindsay: **I just don't understand why Duncan doesn't want my help. Just because we're competing for the million doesn't mean we can't try to become friends, right? Well, I'm going to help at some point today whether he likes it or not.

**_End Confessional_**

Lindsay tried to climb the mast with her flag, but kept slipping.

"Watch and learn", Duncan said.

Duncan tried climbing, but slipped.

"Let me try again", Duncan said.

Duncan tried climbing the mast again, but slipped once more.

"One more time", Duncan said.

Duncan tried once more, but slipped.

"Want me to help you", Lindsay asked.

"No thanks", Duncan said, "I've got it."

Duncan climbed up the mast and flew his flag.

"Woo-hoo", Duncan said.

But Chris wasn't paying attention, as he was too busy arguing with Chef.

"Get real", Chris said, "we're a team!"

"I fly solo", Chef said, "I'm a maverick."

"Dude", Chris said, "without this job, you'd still be selling street meat outside the bus station."

Chef growled and walked away, and Duncan slid down the pole and knocked over Lindsay, who was trying to climb it.

"Duncan two, Lindsay zip", Duncan said.

Chef whistled while standing next to the canon, and Duncan ran over to him.

"Have you ever fired an air cannon before", Chef asked.

"Eh, not this particular model", Duncan said.

Chef pointed to a building on the monster movie set.

"If you're gonna hit that target, it's gonna take a whole lot of air", Chef said.

"Ugh", Duncan said.

Duncan pumped the air pump, but stopped for a moment.

"Something's missing", Duncan said.

Then, he turned to Chef.

"What, no 'you pump like my grandmother, maggot'", Duncan asked, "Chef, are you okay?"

"After a whole season of lip, now you wanna know if I'm okay", Chef asked.

Then, Duncan pumped the right amount of air.

"She's prime", Duncan said.

Then, Chris walked over to him.

"Get in", Chris said.

"Seriously", Duncan asked.

"Buckle up, cannon ball", Chris said.

Then, Chris turned to Chef.

"You gonna fire the cannon, or are you just gonna stand there and be useless", Chris asked.

"You see that", Chef said, "that attitude is why I'm outta here, I've had it with watching you do your bogus job and get all the glory, while I'm stuck with all the grunt work!"

"Hosting is way harder than what you do", Chris said, "I dare you to try it sometime."

"I have", Chef said, "when you were hosting that award ceremony."

"Well do it again here", Chris said.

"Fine", Chef said, "let's go!"

"Fine", Chris said, "be my guest!"

Then, Duncan interrupted them.

"Guys", Duncan said, "trying to win a million bones over here."

"Okay", Chris said.

Chis handed Chef a remote, and the latter fired Duncan out of the cannon.

"Piece of cake", Chef said, "just like the rest of your jobs."

"Oh yeah", Chris asked, "you'll see!"

Then, Lindsay spoke up.

"Guys", Lindsay asked.

"I'll see what", Chef asked, "how easy it is?"

"Guys", Lindsay asked.

"Have you even ever read a cue card", Chris asked.

Chris and Chef began growling at each other, and Lindsay spoke up.

"Guys", Lindsay shouted.

"What", Chris and Chef asked.

They then looked up and saw that Lindsay had carried her flag up to the top.

"I did it", Lindsay said, "I made it to the top!"

Then, she slid on the grease and fell through the floorboards of the ship.

"Sorry, girl", Chef said, "I'm gonna happily leave you in the hands of Mr. Personality here and get on with my super easy hosting duties."

"I'm totally capable of shooting a girl out of a canon on my own", Chris said, "thank you."

"Guess we'll see", Chef said.

Chef began to walk away, but Chris stopped him.

"Aren't you forgetting something", Chris asked, "it's about that time when people might go to the fridge or change channels and not come back!"

Chef looked at the camera and cleared his throat.

"Who will with the million bucks, who will not", Chef asked, "do not touch that clicker, we will find out right after this."

Chef crossed his arms, and then put his face in front of the camera.

"I said get your hands off that clicker", Chef shouted.

_**Commercial Break**_

Duncan was still flying through the air.

"Cannonball", Duncan shouted.

Then, he landed in the set.

"Okay", Duncan said, "so what am I supposed to..."

Then, Duncan arrived on a helicopter.

"Stay calm, and keep your panties on", Chef said.

Then, he looked at some notecards.

"Sweet landing, dude", Chef said, "I'm your righteous new host, Chef."

But Duncan was annoyed at this.

"Last time you hosted the show, you booted me off", Duncan said.

"Work with me here, kid", Chef said.

Chef went back to reading his cards.

"The rest of today's challenge is a gnarly treasure hunt", Chef said.

"Yeah, through all the elimination challenges", Duncan said, "Chris told us."

"Oh, and did your ex-host tell you that if you correctly answer a trivia question, you skip the challenge and move on to the next one", Chef asked.

"Right on", Duncan said, "shoot."

"Okay, bro", Chef said, "who got the space boot after the alien movie challenge?"

"Duh, Geoff and Bridgette", Duncan said, "they made out nonstop."

Duncan began to walk away, but Chef stopped him.

"Follow-up question", Chef said, "where was the weirdest place those lovebirds ever made out?"

"How am I supposed to know that", Duncan asked.

"Bridgette talked about it, like, nonstop", Chef said.

"As if I'd listen to some girl blah-blah-blah-ing about her love life", Duncan said.

"Too bad, then", Chef said, "time to get it on with the alien!"

"Whatever", Duncan said, "I was able to survive it twice already."

"Maybe", Chef said, "but in the spirit of Bridgette and Geoff, you've gotta smooch that space creature."

Duncan looked up and saw the animatronic alien monster looking at him.

"Let's make this gross fest nice and slobbery", Chef said.

Chef spoke to an intern controlling the monster through a walkie-talkie.

"Don't be shy, now", Chef said.

The monster picked Duncan up and held him close to its face and roared, after which getting kissed by him.

"Yuck", Duncan said, "I'd rather kiss Heather again!"

Back on the ship, Lindsay climbed through the floorboards, and saw Chris crying.

"What's wrong, Chris", Lindsay asked.

"Nothing", Chris said, "stupid Chef's doing my job, so I'm doing his job."

Lindsay then noticed that Chris was cutting onions, which was the reason he was crying.

"Did you two have a fight", Lindsay asked.

"None of your beeswax", Chris said, "Duncan has a huge lead, and you've got an air cannon to pump, so go!"

At the lot, Duncan was trying to answer another one of Chef's questions.

"Who was left on the editing floor after the big A-movie challenge", Chef asked, "and follow-up, what was she re-incarnated from?"

"Izzy", Duncan asked, "she's such a freak it could be anything."

"Wrong, bro", Chef said.

Then, he threw away the notecard and spoke to someone off-screen.

"Can I stop with this 'bro' stuff, already", Chef asked.

"So I gotta haul the movie gear up the hill again", Duncan said, "been there, done that."

"You haven't done squat", Chef said, "this time, you gotta haul the hill up the hill."

Chef handed Duncan a shovel.

"Get to it, punk", Chef said.

On the ship, Lindsay was ready to be fired from the cannon.

"Alright, Chris", Lindsay said, "fire away please, I gotta catch up!"

But Chris just rubbed his eyes.

"Darn these salty trade winds", Chris said.

"Are those onions still making you cry", Lindsay asked.

"Chef's leaving the show", Chris said.

"I guess it was hard for him working in the kitchen all alone", Lindsay said, "maybe he just wants more attention."

Chris began to cheer up.

"Really", Chris asked.

"Have you tried being nice", Lindsay asked, "it works very well for me."

Chris then pressed the button, and Lindsay was shot into the water.

"Should've pumped your canon more", Chris said.

"Thank you, Mr. Obvious", Lindsay said.

In the wild west set, Duncan had failed to answer one of Chef's questions.

"Sorry, guy", Chef said, "since you cannot tell me where Trent's phobia came from..."

"This time, the horse lands on me", Duncan asked.

Chef nodded, and Duncan put a saddle on his back.

"Sure, why not", Duncan said.

Chef then heard some screaming, and found that Lindsay had landed in the monster movie set, so he ran to where she was.

"Your question", Chef said.

"I have to answer a question", Lindsay asked.

"I am not reading all these stupid cue cards again", Chef said, "just tell me: who was voted off first, and why?"

"You mean Geoff and Bridgette", Lindsay asked.

"And where was the weirdest place they ever made out", Chef asked.

"Oh, that's easy", Lindsay said.

_**Flashback**_

Chris entered his dressing room and took off his shirt.

"Ah", Chris said, "time to catch some sweet artificial rays."

He opened up a tanning bed and found Geoff and Bridgette making out in it.

"My Tan-o-Matic 3000", Chris said, "it's been tainted!"

Bridgette then turned to him.

"Uh, it sure smells nice in here", Bridgette said.

She and Geoff laughed nervously.

**_End Flashback_**

In the prison set, Duncan was trying to answer Chef's question about Gwen.

"I know that Gwen's favorite band is the Gothic Mind Explosion, she wants a '67 Mustang, her brother has a Gibson Les Paul guitar, but I'm supposed to remember her lizards' names", Duncan asked, "who cares?!"

"Wrong", Chef said.

Duncan then looked at the obstacle course.

"Let me guess", Duncan said, "release the hounds?"

"Yes", Chef said, "and they can smell blood."

Duncan began running, and while he was doing that, Chef ran over to Lindsay and asked her the question about Trent.

"So what happened was the mime sneaked up on Trent in the crowd, which is not fair because mimes are super good at sneaking, even when they're in an invisible box", Lindsay said, "but the terrible surprise made poor little Trent wet his pants in front of everyone, right?"

Chef was nearly out of breath because of all the running around.

"You're right", Chef said.

"Yes", Lindsay said.

As Lindsay moved on, Chef ran over to Duncan and asked him a question about DJ.

"I don't know", Duncan said, "DJ likes dogs?"

"Wrong", Chef said.

"Well, horror movies don't scare me", Duncan said, "bring it on!"

"Alright, then", Chef said, "now playing: the miracle of child birth."

Chef turned on a movie about how babies are born, which left Duncan disgusted, and meanwhile, Lindsay was waiting for Chef at the prison set.

"Chef", Lindsay asked.

Chef then ran over to Lindsay.

"I'm doing the job of two people here", Chef said, "I haven't done this much running since basic training."

"Gwen's lizards are named Angus and Vampira", Lindsay said, "now what?"

It took Chef a minute to think of something.

"So", Chef asked, "did all you girls miss Gwen when she got the boot?"

"Sure", Lindsay said, "well, some of us, I mean, I like Gwen and everything, but since she made it to the finale last year, I guess it was..."

On the war movie set, Duncan was running across a mine field wearing a blindfold.

"The mines are buried, the blindfold is redundant", Duncan said, "redundant!"

Duncan got blown away by a mine, and meanwhile, Lindsay was still talking to Chef.

"Before Courtney got her overbite fixed, she bit, like, half her tongue", Lindsay said, "but you didn't hear that from me."

"Well, is she as bull-headed and ambitions as she seems", Chef asked.

"Ha", Lindsay said, "well one time, I was in the bathroom when she snuck in to eat an ice cream cone..."

Little did she know that Chris was eavesdropping on them, while Duncan played basketball and badminton against a bear, and also fought it with marshmallow boxing gloves, and later it whipped him with a towel.

"That wasn't even the biggest thing Owen pulled out of his nose that Christmas", Lindsay said, "is that enough of an answer?"

Then, she noticed that Chef was sleeping.

"Chef", Lindsay asked, "did you hear me?"

Then, Chris walked over to them.

"What kind of host are you", Chris asked.

Chef then woke up.

"I'm awake", Chef said.

"Chef's stalling has dug a big hole for Lindsay", Chris said, "Duncan's got a five-challenge lead!"

Lindsay was angry to hear this.

"Stalling", Lindsay asked, "you mean I answered all those questions for nothing?"

"Run Lindsay, run like the wind", Chris said, "it's still anybody's game folks, start biting those nails now!"

Lindsay ran away, and Chris turned to Chef.

"As host, it's your job to ramble on, not to make the contestants ramble on", Chris said, "look, how about I follow Lindsay, and you catch up to Duncan?"

"Fine", Chef said, "but not because I needed help."

Later, Lindsay answered Chris' question about E-Scope.

"Kalidescope thought she was 87 years old", Lindsay said, "and the reincarnation of her great-granny."

"Correct", Chris said.

Later, she answered a question about Owen.

"Owen actually has 139 favorite foods", Lindsay said, "in alphabetical order, they are Alaskan king crab, American cheese, apple, apple cobbler, apple crisp, apple pie..."

Elsewhere, Duncan was carrying Chef, who was wearing a dress, across the wooden bridge on the fairytale movie set.

"I don't know what wedding Justin cried at", Duncan said, "what kind of girly man cries at a wedding, anyway?"

Then, he began to loose his balance, but regained it.

"Drop me, and you're dead meat", Chef said.

At the sports movie set, Lindsay was bleating like a sheep.

"That's right", Chris said.

At the space movie set, Duncan was about to enter the Vomit Comet, and at the war movie set, Lindsay answered a question about Explosivo.

"Loco for boom boom", Lindsay said.

While Duncan rode in the Vomit Comet, Lindsay answered the question about Justin correctly.

"His own aunt", Lindsay said, "Lady Mimi Cici Didi Laduda."

Back at the Vomit Comet, Chef opened the helmet to let Duncan out, but he puked all over the former's shoes.

"Ugh", Chef said.

Later, Chef was cleaning his shoes, when Chris and Lindsay walked over to him.

"Where's Duncan", Chris asked.

Chef pointed somewhere, and Chris went that way.

"Next question", Chef said.

"Oh, I know", Lindsay said, "Harold left after the space challenge."

"Fine", Chef said, "you can go on."

"Yay", Lindsay said.

As Lindsay walked away, she turned to Chef.

"You know", Lindsay said, "Chris said he'll really miss you if you leave."

Chef was surprised to hear this.

"Really", Chef asked, "he said that?"

"Yeah, he totally did", Lindsay said, "wish me luck!"

Lindsay walked away, leaving Chef smiling about what she had said.

"He really does care about me", Chef said.

Later, Lindsay and Duncan walked over to Chris.

"Ooh, look at this suspenseful outcome", Chris said, "the next question could determine who climbs the golden ladder to glory town, and who slides down the stinky slide to looserville."

Chris pulled out his notecard.

"Now", Chris said, "who was voted off after the animal buddy challenge?"

Lindsay and Duncan both knew the answer to this.

"Courtney", they both said.

**_Confessional: Took you long enough!_**

**Duncan: **Finally! I may not file away everybody's stupid details all the time, but I do know a thing or two about Courtney. Because she insisted.

**Lindsay: ***sarcastically* Perfect! The one person I didn't learn everything about because she's my mortal enemy!

**_End Confessional_**

"What was Courtney's band's name", Chris asked.

"Who cares", Lindsay asked, "she should never have set foot here because she cheated by filing a lawsuit to get on the show, and she's also meaner than Heather, so she's probably barely a human being!"

Lindsay covered her mouth after saying that.

"Wow, Lindsay", Chris said, "that was interesting, but that wasn't the question."

"Courtney's band was the Type-A Psychotic Crazies", Duncan said, "later, losers!"

Duncan began walking away, but Chris stopped him.

"Hold on bro, that was Lindsay's question", Chris said, "your question: what color is Courtney thinking of?"

"Right now, are you serious", Duncan asked, "I don't know, blue?"

Courtney was watching the finale on TV, and was angry about Duncan's response.

"Burnt sienna", Courtney said, "ugh, he doesn't know anything about me!"

Back on the lot, Chris responded to Duncan's answer.

"Tough luck", Chris said, "you both have to do the last challenge."

"That's okay", Lindsay said, "I kind of liked the animal buddy challenge."

"It bit, but at least it won't kill us", Duncan said.

"Right, and that's boring", Chris said, "that's why instead, I'm bringing back the shakingest, the quakingest, the bone mashingest, face bashingest challenge of all: the disaster movie earthquake challenge!"

Lindsay and Duncan gasped, and were soon at the disaster movie set for the challenge.

"This sucker tossed the mighty Owen around like a rag doll", Chris said, "contestants ready, good luck, suckers!"

Before the challenge began, Lindsay spoke to Duncan.

"Maybe I can help you out", Lindsay said, "this challenge was hard, so maybe I could..."

But Duncan grew angry with her.

"No", Duncan said, "I can win this on my own, I don't need help from you or anyone else!"

"Action", Chris said.

Chris hit the button, and began shooting golf balls at them, as well as other heavy objects.

"Mclean, you throw like a girl", Chris said.

"A five-year-old girl", Lindsay said.

Chris launched a toilet at them from a slingshot in retaliation, but missed.

"Missed me", Duncan said.

At that moment, Chef drove in on a golf cart that had a trailer with a safe on it.

"Made me think of you", Chef said.

"Really", Chris asked.

"Want a hand", Chef asked.

Pretty soon, the two had the safe in the slingshot.

"The way you torture the kids, you're a natural, you know that", Chris said, "knocking them down, bruising them up, killing their spirits, nobody can do it quite like you, pal."

"You really mean that", Chef asked.

"If you really wanna leave the show, it's cool", Chris said, "good luck."

Chef thought for a second.

"Nah, I couldn't leave you all alone like that", Chef said, "you'd be terrible on your own, you're not that good."

"So you'll stay", Chris asked.

"After I get a raise", Chef said, "and a vacation."

"Deal", Chris said.

"Then let's finish these suckers off", Chef said.

They launched the safe, and it landed on Duncan and began to drag him down a pit.

"Duncan", Lindsay said.

Lindsay saved Duncan and carried him up to the zipline, which he was surprised about.

"Why'd you do that after I was mean to you", Duncan asked.

"Because you deserve a chance at this", Lindsay said, "you may not be very nice, but you still deserve a shot at winning the million."

Duncan smiled at what Lindsay had said.

"Friends", Duncan asked.

"Friends", Lindsay said.

The two slid down the zipline together, and landed in a building, where they raced to the aftermath studio, while Geoff, Bridgette, and the other eliminated contestants watched from inside.

"And the winner is", Geoff and Bridgette said.

Then, Lindsay and Duncan entered the studio at the same time.

"It's a tie", Bridgette said.

"So, um, what exactly are we going to do with the million dollars", Geoff asked.

As the eliminated contestants reacted with either surprised or angry expressions, the words "To Be Continued" appeared in white in front of a black screen.


	6. Chapter 6: The Aftermath: IV

_**What, me? I'm supposed to read that? Okay, uh, last time on Total Drama Action, our timbers got seriously shivered as Lindsay and Duncan suffered through the final pirate movie challenge. Whoa, dudes, looks like that was a blast! They followed that up with a crazy run through every crazy elimination challenge from the whole entire season. And even though Duncan had a massive lead, Lindsay caught up fast, earning bonus time as the girl who's friends with everybody! Our heroes were running neck and neck, and Duncan accepting Lindsay's little friend request led to a tie!**_

In the aftermath studio, Geoff had done the recap.

"One tie, two competitors, who's gonna win it", Geoff asked, "find out right here, right now, on Total. Drama. Action!"

**_Opening Sequence_**

The cast was still in shock about the tie, while Lindsay and Duncan were both furious.

"What do we do now", Geoff asked.

"Can somebody please tell me there's a plan here", Duncan asked.

"Nope", Geoff said, "but since we're all here together one last time, let's party!"

The crowd cheered at what Geoff said.

"Geoff and I cut together some sweet footage of everyone from the whole season", Bridgette said.

But Lindsay and Duncan weren't having it.

"But what about", Lindsay and Duncan said.

"Don't get your shorts in a know, there's plenty of time to pick a winner", Geoff said, "roll clip!"

As various footage from the season was played on a TV screen, Chris and Chef were in an airport, ready to go on vacation.

"Alright, Sunset Beach, here we come", Chris said, "that was one heck of a long season."

Then, they got in line.

"If I do say so myself, I'd say I've earned this vacay big time", Chris said.

"Uh-huh", Chef said.

Then, a man waiting in line noticed Chris.

"Hey, aren't you Chris McLean", the man asked.

"Busted", Chris said, "you know, I try to keep my identity a secret when I travel, but looks like these are hard to hide."

Chris put his sunglasses on and smiled, getting the attention of a woman.

"Chris", the woman said, "can I have your autograph?"

"Nope", Chris said, "but you can let us cut in line."

Chris and Chef walked to the flight attendant's desk, and she squealed in amazement.

"Now you, you can have my autograph", Chris said, "fine lookin' lady."

The flight attendant fainted, and Chef noticed the Aftermath on a nearby TV.

"Um, hey, you guys", Bridgette said, "why don't you come join us in the winner's seat!"

There, next to them, was a throne.

"But there's only one seat", Lindsay said.

"Yep", Geoff said.

Duncan and Lindsay sat in the chair, but were uncomfortable with sitting so close to each other.

"You think we could at least get another seat", Duncan asked.

But Geoff just continued to host the show.

"Since Chris took off on vacay, we prepared some never-before-seen clips", Geoff said.

"We think this will help our audience see the real Chris McLean", Bridgette said.

"We're gonna play them later in the show for y'all, but here's a little preview to get you interested", Geoff said.

A clip of Chris singing in the shower was then displayed on the TV screen, with the song he was singing going:

_I stand against the wall,_

_Waiting for you to ask me to dance._

_My heart is in your hands._

_Ooo, ooo, ooo._

Then, someone opened the shower curtain, causing Chris to scream in a girly voice, which Chef saw on TV.

"Uh, Chris", Chef said.

"Shush", Chris said, "I'm scoring us an upgrade."

Then, it showed a clip of Chris eating a sub sandwich in a messy way.

"You'll really wanna see this, man", Chef said.

Chris looked and saw the embarrassing footage, and was mortified and what he was seeing.

"No", Chris shouted.

Back at the Aftermath studio, the cast continued to talk.

"This is the last time we're ever gonna see each other, guys", Geoff said, "I'm getting a bit choked up here."

"Aw, we've had an awesome time together", Bridgette said, "I'm gonna miss you guys."

"Aww, we'll miss you too, girl", Leshawna said, "now pick a winner so we can all go home!"

"Not before we play our most painful ever, season finale all-star version of that's gonna leave a mark", Geoff said.

"Roll clip", Bridgette said.

While various painful moments from the season were played on the TV, the Lame-o-sine, which had Chris and Chef inside, was stuck in traffic.

"You call this driving", Chris asked, "what are you doing?"

"Well, Chris", Chef said, "when a lot of cars are stuck on the same road, it's called traffic."

"We have to get there now", Chris said, "those kids are destroying my show!"

"And you're destroying my vacation, so maybe we're even", Chef said.

"Dude, I want a third season", Chris said, "if they mess this up, we could get canceled, do you understand?!"

Chris angrily sat down.

"What do you want me to do", Chef asked, "engage the wing button and fly the car?"

"I bet Ryan Seacrest's driver would be able to fly the car", Chris said.

Back at the Aftermath studio, a clip of Justin doing the super hero movie challenge was being show.

"It's a bird", Geoff said, "it's a plane."

Then, it showed the part where Chef threw a bowling ball at Justin's groin.

"It's incredibly painful", Geoff said.

Geoff laughed, and Duncan lost patience.

"Ugh, just end this", Duncan said, "just give one of us that colossal stack of cash!"

"Just give it to me", Lindsay said.

But Duncan didn't like that idea.

"Uh, no", Duncan said.

"Oh well", Lindsay said, "can't blame a girl for trying."

Then, Courtney spoke up.

"Stop, I've got a plan", Courtney said, "I've devised a completely unbiased way to find a winner."

Courtney winked when she said "completely unbiased", which caught Duncan's attention.

"A quiz show that will determine who gets the million", Courtney said.

"Lame", everyone said.

Then, Harold ran off-stage with some wooden boards.

"What's he doing", Izzy asked.

Some building noises were heard, and Harold turned towards the cast.

"As a founding member of Inventive Steve's Junior Inventors Gizmo League, I've been behind many ingenious contraptions in my life", Harold said.

Then, the camera zoomed out to reveal a red piece of wood with a rectangle-like shape cut out in it.

"To emerge victorious, Duncan and Lindsay will have to contort their bodies to fit through these specially-shaped holes", Harold said, "it's brilliant, really."

Meanwhile, Chris was giving directions to the driver of the Lame-o-sine.

"Turn left here", Chris said, "now go right, left again, and straight ahead!"

Chris and Chef exited the Lame-o-sine, and found that they were at Camp Wawanakwa.

"Love the shortcut", Chef said, "you gonna get a new job as a GPS?"

Back at the Aftermath studio, a spotlight fell on Harold.

"Prepare to contort", Harold said.

Duncan and Lindsay decided to talk.

"This is the stupidest thing I've ever been a part of, and I've been on this show for two seasons", Duncan said.

"I never thought I'd say this, but I miss Chris", Lindsay said.

"But, it is a million bucks", Duncan said.

First, Lindsay got on the conveyor belt, and successfully contorted her body to fit through the shape.

"Alright, Duncan", Harold said, "your turn."

Duncan got on the conveyor belt, and contorted his body to fit through a T-shape.

"Nice", Harold said.

The two went through all sorts of shapes, including a spider and a palm tree.

"It's neck-and-neck, Geoff", Bridgette said.

"Speaking of which", Geoff said, "wanna neck?"

"Sure", Bridgette said.

As Geoff and Bridgette made out, Lindsay tried to contort her body to fit through a plus sign, she bumped into the base.

"Oh no, too bad, Beth", Bridgette said.

"Well", Geoff said, "if Duncan makes it through this last shape, he wins the million dollars."

Duncan tried to contort his body to fit through the shape, which was Harold's face, but couldn't make it.

"Ooh, it's a tie", Geoff said.

"Make a decision", Eva said, "I'm bored, and do you know what happens when I'm bored?"

Geoff began to get nervous.

"Looks like it's time for some embarrassing never-before-seen footage of Chris McLean", Geoff said.

"Once you've seen this side of Chris, he'll never be the same again", Bridgette said.

Then, they showed some footage of Chris sleeping with a teddy bear while sucking his thumb, Chris being bald and having his head sprayed before his wig was put on, and him stepping out of his trailer and stretching while some wind blows and reveals his groin.

"What exactly is going on here", a familiar voice asked.

Then, the cast saw Chris and Chef standing on the right of the stage.

"Did the network listen when I told them that putting a couple of amateurs in charge would be televised poison", Chris asked, "no, why would they?"

Geoff and Bridgette stepped away, and Chris took a seat on their couch.

"But now that I'm in charge, the real show can begin", Chris said, "what we're gonna do here is give each ex-contestant a chance to ask a question to Duncan and Lindsay, because you will be deciding who to give the million dineros to!"

The audience gasped at this.

"But first, let's watch each of them at their very worst", Chris said, "Lindsay, I gotta say, you weren't exactly the smartest team member on Total Drama Action, and not the best leader, either."

Some clips of Lindsay being dumb, as well as her poor attempts at leading her team were shown.

"Well, at least I was a better leader than Trent or Courtney", Lindsay said.

"And then there's Duncan", Chris said, "let's take some heartwarming footage of Mr. Nice Guy."

Some clips of Duncan being rough and menacing were shown.

"We don't need to as a question", Owen said, "we know these guys."

"Do you", Chris asked, "really?"

A clip of Duncan in the boys' trailer was shown, where he helped the other sleeping boys by giving DJ his doggie plush, putting Harold's leg back in his bed, and putting Justin's sleep mask over his eyes.

"Aww, he's like their little mom", Izzy said.

"Aw man, why'd you show them that", Duncan asked.

Next, it showed a clip of Chef carrying a cake over to the girls' trailer, where Lindsay was sitting on the steps.

"What's that", Lindsay asked.

"It's a chocolate cake from the girls of the Total Drama fan club", Chef said, "it's for all the girls of Total Drama Action to share."

"Aww, really", Lindsay asked, "that's so nice."

But later, Lindsay had eaten the whole cake.

"I deserve this more than the other girls", Lindsay said, "I'm hotter and nicer than any of them!"

The clip ended, and everyone gasped.

"Miss Nice Girl, huh", Leshawna asked.

Lindsay slumped down in the winner's seat.

"Ah, yes", Chris said, "I'm back, baby, and we'll be right back with more Total. Drama. Finale!"

_**Commercial Break**_

"Welcome back", Chris said, "each contestant will have a chance to ask Duncan and Lindsay a question, one that helps them decide who will land that cool mill."

Chris turned to the eliminated contestants.

"Total Drama peanut gallery, it's up to you to choose between these two sorry finalists", Chris said, "Geoff, Bridgette, you like to start us off?"

But there was no reply.

"Bridgette and Geoff", Chris asked.

Geoff and Bridgette were making out in the control room.

"Moving right along", Chris said, "Trent?"

Trent stood up.

"As part of Total Drama Action's movie theme, I wanna know about your character", Trent said.

Trent gave a glance at Gwen, which made her smile nervously.

"Like, let's say your boyfriend was being super nice to you, and nothing more", Trent said, "and you for some reason found that odd, and talked to his teammates about voting him out, and then they did that, and then..."

"Akward", DJ said.

"I would never date anyone who's competing in the show", Lindsay said.

"But you date Tyler, who is technically a contestant", Chris said.

"But he's not competing, so that's okay", Lindsay said.

"Whatever", Chris said, "Duncan, anything you wanna add?"

"All I know is that you'd never catch me doing what some chick told me what to do in the first place", Duncan said.

Everyone else laughed, while Courtney glared at him angrily.

"Alright, let's see if we can raise the level of this show with Izzy", Duncan said.

Izzy stood up.

"Okay, so, like, I just rented a DVD re-issue of the 1982 breakout break dance movie Break, Break, Break Already", Izzy said, "or was it Break Me, Break Neck, Break Down?"

Then, she remembered the title.

"No wait, I think it was Break It Records 2: Boogaloo Dance Crew, the criterion edition, or something", Izzy said, "okay, either way, I love the golden oldies, they don't make movies like that anymore, so, I need a break-off to decide my personal winner!"

Izzy turned to her right.

"Hit it, DJ", Izzy said.

DJ was confused.

"Hit what", DJ asked.

"Not you", Izzy said, "DJ Jazzy Chef!"

Chef played some music, and Lindsay began dancing, but Duncan knocked her out of the way.

"Wild style", Izzy said, "go Duncan, go Duncan!"

Then, Duncan stopped.

"You know, we really should do more dancing on this show", Chris said, "but for now, let's give it over to Gwen!"

"I wanna know how each of you plan to use the money you win to save the environment when you're not busy thinking about yourselves", Gwen said.

"Well", Lindsay said, "there are a bunch of grassy hills that look so plain, so I wanna make them look pretty by planting all kinds of flowers so that they won't just be plain and green."

"That's a pretty visionary idea", Gwen said, "Duncan?"

"I've been thinking a lot about how cool those green peace who hijack ships and get arrested all the time are", Duncan said, "I'm gonna donate some money to them."

"That's awesome, Duncan", Gwen said, "thank you, my vote has now been determined."

"DJ", Chris said, "maybe you could make a little sense."

Chef, who was still at the DJ table, pointed to himself in confusion.

"No, Jazzy", Chris said, "the other DJ."

DJ then stood up.

"You are riding a bicycle quickly down a path, and there's a fork in the road", DJ said, "on one side, beautiful daisies, on the other side, dandelions, you're gonna have to roll over one of them to get where you're goin', which path would you choose?"

"Dandelions", Duncan said, "they're weeds, who cares?"

The audience clapped, and Heather nodded her head in agreement.

"I would just keep going straight to save both the daisies and the dandelions", Lindsay said.

The audience cheered, and DJ stood up and clapped.

"She got it right", DJ said, "yay, Lindsay!"

Chris was feeling bored by the questions.

"Owen", Chris said, "entertain me."

"I recently decided to start eating healthy", Owen said.

The cast was amused by this, especially Noah.

"Yeah, right", Noah said.

"No, no, it's true", Owen said, "after all that excessive eating from when my jaw was un-wired, a lightbulb went off in my belly."

Owen then broke wind.

"That's one noisy lightbulb", Gwen said.

"Excuse me", Owen said, "roughage."

Owen then sat up and walked on the stage.

"And now I want everyone else to eat healthy, too", Owen said, "I'm gonna get this whole wide world on a health kick!"

Owen did a pose, but it caused him pain.

"Duncan, Lindsay", Owen said, "I'd like you to have an eating contest."

Chris was impressed.

"Finally", Chris said, "a decent idea: torturous, disgusting, Chef!"

Chef then walked onstage pushing a cart with food on it.

"We've provided tons of delicious kale, tofu, flaxseed, quinoa rolls", Owen said, "plain yogurt..."

Duncan turned to Lindsay.

"I could've split the million with you and avoided all this", Duncan said.

"Aww, really", Lindsay asked.

"Yes", Duncan said, "anything to just get out of here already!"

"Well, I wanna try this food and see if it has any effect on my beauty", Lindsay said.

"Just trying to do my part for a healthier, happy community", Owen said, "eat right, stay bright!"

Owen tried to do jumping jacks, but it caused him pain.

"Let the healthy eating begin", Owen said.

Lindsay and Duncan ate, disgusted with every bite, and Chris timed them, amused at what was happening.

"This doesn't feel healthy at all", Lindsay said.

Then, a beeper on Chris' watch went off.

"Time's up", Chris said.

Owen walked over and inspected what they ate.

"Looks like they both barely touched their seaweed", Owen said, "I'll have to factor that into my pick."

Duncan then let out a burp.

"Okay, and now for the next inquisitor", Chris said, "Heather, I'm sure she'll have something sensible to bring to the table, please."

Heather spoke up.

"I already know which of you I'm voting for", Heather said, "needless to say, I should be sitting in that chair!"

"There's really not enough room", Lindsay said.

"I mean instead of you, Lindsiot", Heather said, "I was the one with all the strategic smarts, the will to win, the brains, and the courage, and if it wasn't for a bunch of bad luck and incompetent team members, it would be me!"

"That'll be the day", Duncan said.

"Well, I better not run into either of you in the real world", Heather said.

Chris was upset at where that had gone.

"Sure, why not", Chris said, "Leshawna?"

"I know how I'd spend the money if I won", Leshawna said, "but I wanna know how you'd spend it."

Lindsay stood up.

"I know", Lindsay said, "first, I'd buy every kind of lip gloss there is, and then I'd go on a European vacation with Beth."

Beth jumped up and cheered.

"What a girly way to spend the money", Chris said, "how about you, Duncan?"

"I'd buy a bunch of houses and be the landlord of the people living in them", Duncan said.

"Interesting choice", Chris said, "Justin, make it quick, the pina coladas are calling."

"Now that the show has disfigured my face, I wanna know if I can still be a leading man", Justin said, "or will I only be able to play character actor roles, playing criminals, villains, or the institutionally insane?"

Duncan whispered to Lindsay.

"Is this a trick question", Duncan asked.

"I can totally see you kissing girls on the big screen", Lindsay said, "you can still make it, Justin, you just need to try."

Justin smiled.

"I'm not sure about kissing girls", Duncan said, "but you could probably make it playing a juvenile delinquent."

Justin began thinking about that.

"I have been wanting to explore more opportunities", Justin said.

Chris face palmed at all that was going on.

"You're killing me", Chris said, "Beth?"

Beth stood up.

"Thank you", Beth said, "as you all know, there are many endangered species on the planet..."

Chris was annoyed to hear this.

"Oh, come on", Chris said.

"If you were going to donate money to help save one of them, which one would you save", Lindsay asked.

"I'd save the red wolves", Lindsay said, "they look so cute, and I don't want something that cute to die off."

"Good choice", Beth said, "how about you, Duncan?"

"I'd go with saving the black rhinos", Duncan said, "they're big and tough, so they deserve to be saved."

"Those are both very endangered species", Beth said, "that makes it hard for me to choose."

Chris was finally beginning to get fed up with all the questions the cast was asking.

"Harold", Chris said.

Harold walked over to Lindsay and Duncan with pencils and notebooks.

"I will require you both to do your best drawing of a made-up animal", Harold said.

Harold started a stopwatch.

"Go", Harold said.

Lindsay and Duncan began drawing, and soon, time was up.

"Stop", Harold said.

First, Harold inspected Lindsay, and was confused as to what she had drawn.

"What is it supposed to be", Harold asked.

"It's a puppy with a cat's tail and a horse's mane", Lindsay said.

"Right", Harold said.

Then, he looked at Duncan's, and saw that it wasn't even an animal.

"What's this", Harold asked.

"It's half samurai sword, half stealth bomber", Duncan said.

"Interesting", Harold said, "not exactly an animal, but interesting."

He then put the drawings behind his back.

"You have surprised and intrigued me, sir", Harold said.

Harold sat down, and Courtney stood up.

"And finally, mercifully, the end", Chris said.

"Lindsay, Duncan", Courtney said, "how would..."

Then, some music began playing, much to Courtney's confusion.

"Uh-oh, looks like we're out of time", Chris said, "get ready to vote!"

"But I didn't even ask my question", Courtney said.

Courtney then screamed, but before she did, Chris signaled for someone to mute the scream.

"Alright, Total Drama Action players", Chris said, "you'll be voting right here in the special voting booth."

Chef brought in the port-a-potty from the horror movie challenge in on a dolly.

"The budget's gone", Chris said, "gotta work with what you got."

The first contestant to vote was Heather, and after that, it was Gwen's turn.

"You're not seeing it", Gwen said, "I refuse to be predictable."

Next, it was DJ's turn.

"I really, really hate to have to choose", DJ said, "but I'd have to vote for Lindsay, because she's really nice, and there aren't enough nice millionaires in this world."

When it was Beth's turn, she accidentally tore her piece of toilet paper she was writing her vote on, and when it was Owen's turn, he held up a stick figure drawing of Duncan.

"I vote for Duncan for being such a healthy eater", Owen said, "and because he still feels like one of the guys."

Then, Owen broke wind again.

"I think I maybe had one fiber rich scoop too many in my cilium blendee this morning", Owen said.

Owen used the toilet, with the stench he left behind disgusting Leshawna and Trent, and afterwards, Izzy wrote her vote down while laughing.

"This is gonna be explosive", Izzy said.

When Courtney tried to cast her vote, she couldn't get any ink out of the pen.

"Once again, this show cheaps out on production", Courtney said, "how much can a decent pen cost?"

Then, the pen exploded in her face.

"Oh, come on", Courtney said.

After the voting ended, Chris pulled out a pickle jar with the votes in them.

"A million dollars will be awarded right now", Chris said, "and the answer to who gets it is contained in this urn."

Chris sniffed the jar.

"It still smells like dill", Chris said, "and now, the votes!"

Chris pulled out a piece of paper with an ink splat on it, and when he noticed that Courtney's face was covered in ink, he realized who it was for.

"Duncan", Chris said.

Duncan pumped his fist, and Chef pulled out another one.

"Lindsay", Chris said, "that's one vote for Duncan, one vote for Lindsay."

Lindsay clapped, and Chris pulled out two more.

"One more vote for Duncan, another one for Duncan", Chris said, "that's three votes for Duncan, and one vote for Lindsay."

Chris pulled out another vote.

"That's another vote for Lindsay", Chris said, "that's three votes for Duncan, two votes for Lindsay."

"Hurry it up", Heather said.

Chris turned to Heather.

"I will not let you spoil the nail-biting tension I am deliberately weaving here", Chris said.

Chris then pulled some more votes out.

"That's three votes for Lindsay", Chris said, "one vote for..."

He looked at one of the votes, and was surprised at who it was for.

"Explosivo", Chris asked.

Izzy laughed at this.

"Boom boom", Izzy said.

"Fine", Chris said.

Chris pulled out the final vote.

"The season two Total Drama winner is", Chris said.

Chris paused before he announced the winner.

"Lindsay", Chris said.

Confetti rained down from the sky as Lindsay jumped up and cheered.

"Yes", Lindsay shouted, "I'm rich!"

The others cheered, and Beth hugged her.

"You did it", Beth said, "I knew you would!"

"I couldn't have done it without you supporting me on the sidelines, Beth", Lindsay said, "you're the best BFF ever!"

Then, Tyler walked over to her.

"Congrats, Lindsay", Tyler said, "I'm so glad you won."

"Aww, thanks, Tyson", Lindsay said.

Tyler was upset about this.

"It's Tyler", Tyler said.

"Oops, sorry", Lindsay said.

"Aw, what the heck", Tyler said.

As Lindsay and Tyler made out, Duncan walked over to Courtney and offered his hand.

"Wanna get outta here and get a bite to eat", Duncan asked.

"I don't usually eat with losers", Courtney said.

"Neither did I, but I asked you, didn't I", Duncan asked, "so, what are you hungry for?"

They began walking away, and Courtney began talking.

"If I still had my PDA, I'd call my lawyers and arrange a lawsuit for election fraud", Courtney said, "we'd win it for sure!"

Duncan and Courtney left, and the cast lifted Lindsay into the air.

"Our season two winner, Lindsay", Chris said, "she gets one million dollars!"

Chris tossed Lindsay the case, and it hit her in the head.

"And so it ends", Chris said, "thanks, from me, your beloved and humble host, Chris McLean, and from our winner, Lindsay, for a great season of Total. Drama. Action!"


	7. Chapter 7: The Aftermath: IV Alt Ending

"The season two Total Drama winner is", Chris said.

Chris paused before he announced the winner.

"Duncan", Chris said.

Confetti rained down from the sky as Duncan stood up and celebrated.

"Aw yeah", Duncan shouted.

Then, Courtney ran up to Duncan and hugged him.

"We're rich", Courtney said.

"Whoa, not so fast, sister", Duncan said, "who said anything about sharing anything with you?"

In response, Courtney kissed Duncan on the lips.

"Every kind needs a queen", Courtney said.

"King, huh", Duncan asked, "that doesn't sound so terrible."

As the cast cheered, Beth and Tyler walked over to Lindsay.

"Sorry you didn't win", Beth said, "I guess my vote wasn't enough."

"It's okay", Lindsay said, "I may not have won the million dollars, but having a best friend and a boyfriend like you guys is worth just as much."

And with that, Lindsay and her two closest companions embraced in a group hug.

"Our season two winner, Duncan", Chris said, "he gets one million dollars!"

Chris tossed Duncan the case, and he caught it in mid-air while making out with Courtney.

"And so it ends", Chris said, "thanks, from me, your beloved and humble host, Chris McLean, and from our winner, Duncan, for a great season of Total. Drama. Action!"


End file.
